Trusting

"I need you to find love. . . you know, be open to it. . . so I can believe in it too." ~ from my bestie

Cristina and Meredith

I had this conversation with my bestie, for those who don't know who she is, we'll call her Cristina* (as in, Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy - NOT that she is Asian or anal or bossy or as aggressive like Cristina, but, well, you'll get it if you keep reading). So for those of you who DON'T watch Grey's, I'll try to break it down for you to make sense. On the show, there are two best friends, Meredith and Cristina. Meredith has finally found love with Derek - it took her a long time for her to realize that he was The One, but now that she has, she isn't letting go. Cristina, however, was previously engaged to Burke - didn't marry him, but is now is married to Owen. . . Oddly enough though, she is fairly jaded, and isn't one to let people get close to her. Long story short - Meredith and Cristina are soulmates - as I feel me and my bestie are.

Cristina (my bestie) knows me for me. I tell her everything, and there is no judging between us. She knows any "dark" secrets, she and I have laughed like no other, and she knows what has hurt me the most. While my intention is NOT to put anyone on blast, I will say that I have been wounded like no other. I have my close friends, but it is hard for me to let people into my inner circle. I may be outgoing, but not everyone knows my life story, or the story that makes me who I am today. With that said, I am quite jaded when it comes to dating and relationships.

Unfortunately, I do tend to keep a wall up - scared that my past may repeat itself. I find myself debating "fight or flight" often - even if there is no instance to warant that reasoning. Things are black and white for me. I am all or nothing. The grey area tends to freak me out. Even though I try not to, the scarring still remains, and I find myself flinching (literally and figuratively) from experiences that I would rather bury in my past.

I feel that there comes a point in all relationships. . . you either go all in, or you walk away.  You must either take that leap of faith, give that other person your heart, and TRUST that they will love you and accept you in return. . . or put up a resistance and ultimately lose. It's like gambling and going all in - if you lose, you walk away a loser, but if you win? If you win. . . you get to reap large rewards. Most of us have experienced the pain of loss - remember your first love? No matter who did the "breaking up", both are losers, and both feel the loss of the other. Some of us have had loves, and some of us have had great loves (à la Charlotte from Sex and the City's analogy). . . and get to spend the rest of our lives with the great love of our life. And most of us have loved and been burned. Have you given your heart, soul and trust to someone only to get it ripped to shreds?

We may fight. We may argue, disagree and at times not get along. But we laugh, enjoy each others' company, make each other happy and find ourselves smiling despite ourselves. We have to consciously make that decision to trust the other person wholly even if that means we may be crushed in return. Without giving our full hearts, we may never experience the joys and thrills of what it means to love. Is opening up to someone such a sacrifice that the reward could potentially mean everlasting love and happiness?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

Long Distance

I was suggested to talk about long distance relationships. . . since I've never had one, and the person that suggested this topic to me said that theirs didn't work out. . . I started thinking about what makes a relationships work, and what ultimately makes it fizzle out. I know I just did a blog about how to make it work (blah, blah, blah), but why, at a certain stage (AGE?!) does everyone think that it's the time to get hitched, have a baby (or two or three)??

 You see people all the time getting together and moving in asap (hello, Bachelorette Ali and Roberto. . . and any other celeb relationship). It almost seems that it's the "norm" for people to meet, and quickly get together. I feel it's pressured upon people to get married - even if it isn't the "right" person. Since I've luckily (at least I keep telling myself this) never been married or engaged, I haven't had to question whether or not I've "settled" for the right person or not. 

 A lot of my friends are married or engaged, and a lot of people who I grew up with are married and have started their families. . . which really makes me wonder, did they "get lucky" and find the right person, or did they bend to pressures and just get hitched because, at the time, it felt the "right thing to do"? Some people I know, it feels like they are with their soulmate. However,  with other relationships, I think certain situations brought and keep them together.


 Random thought: sometimes I think that a relationships lasts based on a person's (or people, since there are two in a relationship) tolerance level.

 Anyway, back to long distance relationships (you knew that was coming): to do or not to do? (comment, please) I don't know about you, but if I haven't seen my significant other in a couple of days, when we do get back into face-to-face time, I always feel a little awkward. It isn't a bad thing, but I can't imagine not seeing someone for months on end. Plus, let's be honest. . . but what about fidelity, temptations and all that?

 My longest distance was 36 minutes, on a good day. Granted, I was in a whole different stage/mentality/thought process back then, and looking back that isn't that far (hello, I'm from LA and everything is 45-60 min away). On the other hand, that distance made me question the balance of our relationship, what I really wanted, and who he really was. What I'm trying to say is, distance helps you put everything into perspective and makes you question yourself about your intentions and commitment to the relationship. When you're with someone 24/7, you don't have the time or space to be able to process if that relationship is something you want, or if it's "where it should be" (wherever that is). You may be able to see the "bigger picture", appreciate the time you spend together (maybe. . . hopefully??), and get a better perspective of where you want your relationship to go.

As a devil's advocate: maybe a long distance relationship makes you put less effort into your relationship. Ultimately, the question the relationships comes up with is: break up or move in together. Doesn't that possibly leave one person feeling like they're lacking?

Successful woman doctor meets handsome and captivating businessman while flying across the country. The flight is long, they have a lot to talk about, they hit it off, they exchange numbers, and bam! They're in a relationship. However, she lives in LA, and he lives. . . well, to protect identity, in a different state (MIDDLE AMERICA!). We'll call her Sheila* and we'll call him Steve*.

Things go well, and several months later, they're talking the future, children, marriage, and the whole nine yards. Since Sheila is a doctor, she's quite busy, but Steve has business in LA a lot, so they actually get to see each other quite often. Soon, he decides that he should relocate to LA since there are so many pros to moving (Sheila, current and potential business, etc.). Before Sheila bought her current townhome, she used to live in a charming apartment complex and suggests to Steve that he try to get an apartment there. Since things had been going so well, it's unusual that they decide that this arrangement is going to work.

Steve moves to LA, and a couple months later, Sheila gets an unusual upsetting phone call. If you haven't guessed already, Steve was married, three children, multiple properties, and not nearly as successful or debt-free as he had lead Sheila to believe.

That wasn't the makings of a Hollywood movie, it's a true story - and I have heard different variations of the same. And for those wondering what happened, Sheila broke up w/Steve and changed all her locks, and got back most of her stuff that she'd left at Steve's apartment. Luckily for her, she didn't literally move in with the guy!

So, as with all things in life, long distance relationships may or may not work. There isn't a perfect formuation when it comes to relationships, even long distance ones.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Minutes

Flipping through blogs, I realize there are tons about kids, crafting, music playlists (WTH?!), and just every day life from "simple people" that self-proclaim greatness - don't we all want to be great? I have a kid, but you don't see me posting pics all over the internet of her. . . I just feel weird letting the strange guy who writes about his coworkers and the girl who publically (hello! the internet is public property) announces all sorts of personal ish into my private life. Don't get me wrong, I like being the voyeur in other people's lives - sometimes I can vicariously live through their vividly captured moments (some of you have excellent photographic skills or great word talent!), and this is sort of my modern people watching past time - but with better stories.

So funny how people want to connect to other humans with similarities, but we all just want to STAND OUT and be our own celebrated celeb.

Anyway, after my last post, as it was so seriously pointed out to me, "It isn't hilarious. Your blog is supposed to be hilarious." I'm wracking my brain for a funny story that won't upset or offend anyone. . . much.

So without further ado. . .

 How To Lose a Guy Girl In 10 Days. . . er, Minutes. . . or less! 

For a lot of guys, they know how to win a girl over, but choose not to. But then there are those special guys (and that's not a good thing) that just know how to not get a second date . . . but not with the overly obnoxious things you may assume like being an asshole, hitting on your best friend, dumb/cheesy pick up lines, or public humiliation (of himself or the one he's trying to attract). They are excessively clingy, overly emotional, or just plain don't understand dating etiquette.
 
I have this friend, Amy*, and she was casually (and by casually, let's assume, no sex, first couple weeks/months, gettingtoknowtheguyphase) dating this guy, we'll call him Billy*. They'd been on a couple of dates, and they got along pretty well. They went to coffee one night, and he did all the great small things all (most) girls like - open the door, paid for her drink, complimented her, etc. They were chit chatting about what each other had been doing, and then Billy looks at Amy and asks her, "Will you have my babies?" - deadpan. Of course Amy giggles. . . and then realizes by Billy's expression that he's serious.

Some girls want to have children, others do not. Amy wasn't in a position in life. . . or even the relationship (if you could even call it that) to consider children - even with Billy. Talk about scaring someone off! Too much too soon is really just simply too much. Needless to say, Amy stopped going on dates with Billy.

 I met this other guy, Owen* at a party one night, and we hit it off chatting about whatever it is people talk about when they first meet. Anyway, my friend Mia* found him completely attractive, and a few weeks later asked me if I thought it was ok for her to go on a date. Normally I'm weird about dating someone's seconds, or visa versa, but I never dated the guy, and didn't see him "like that". So Mia and Owen went on a couple of dates. A couple weeks went by, and I checked in with Mia to see how things were going. Mia and Owen went out a couple of times, and Owen would explicitly ask Mia to buy him things - and not just pay for the meal, go dutch or anything like that. . . he would straight out ask her to buy him whatever impluse item(s) were near the cash register if they were out.

 I completely believe in equality, and that a girl should at least offer to pay for things. BUT, I also believe in chilvary, and that a guy should man up and pay for all most things in the beginning. Aside from all that, no one should ask you to buy them things - unless they're your kids, and that's a whole different story.

I think it's great when a guy can show his emotions - hello. In sports they cry ALL the time, and guys don't seem to think that's any less "manly". HOWEVER, when a guy is crying more than the girl? Ummm. . . it's damn near pathetic. No. Seriously.

 I have a friend, Jackie*, and she felt it was time to break up with her boyfriend, Diego*. She had contemplated it, and didn't see a future with him in it. She rationally thought out the reasons, and finally sat down with Diego to explain how she was feeling. After she explained to him her thoughts about the relationship, and how her heart just wasn't in it, the dude starts to cry and protest how he can't live without her in his life. The catcher? They'd only been together a couple of months. I think it's nice to feel wanted, but sometimes too much can be stifling.

To recap;

1. Don't talk about the future (i.e. children, house, marriage, long-term, in-laws, etc.) too soon. . . use common sense. Oh wow. I just googled "how long should I wait to get married' - and there are literal to-do lists! But simply, you should be financially, emotionally and physically ready. . . and you should know the other person - so if you're still just getting to know someone, then it probably isn't the right time to whip out the pictures you just photoshopped to see what your future babies will look like.
2. Don't ask a girl (or anyone, for that matter) to buy you things. It's just damn rude behavior and you should be adult enough to purchase things that you need yourself (and if you want it, maybe you need to reconsider - there is a difference between want and need).
3. Don't be overly emotional. Crying at a funeral or because you're overwhelmed at some great life event (ex: your own wedding, your child being born, graduating, buying a first house, etc.) is one thing, but bawling all the time is not only inapporpriate, it's damn uncomfortable for other people around you (such as myself). 
4. Don't assume. . . I am a huge believer in communication. Good communication takes work and practice, but it can be achieved!

And if you need more "advice" material, rent the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it has more detail.  If you still can't figure it out after that, I don't know what to tell you.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

Making It Work

You know all those cute quirks that were adorable during the honeymoon phase?. . . and how, shoot a few months down the road, or a couple of years, and those "quirks" that were just so gosh darn cute are just SO DAMN IRRITATING??. . . I've dated a few people, and with my experiences, my friends', people I've talked to and dated. . . "long-term", just doesn't mean long-term as traditionally speaking. What I'm saying is, people say "long-term", and they mean it, but it means for a longer period than, oh, a handful of months. . . with divorce rates at 40-50% (http://www.divorcerate.org/) -  that's for FIRST marriages in America, and dating relationships lasting less than 5 years, it's any wonder people even get into so-called "long-term" relationships in the first place.

We all know what can make a relationship NOT work: arguing, nagging, jealousy, chemistry, trust, respect, etc. . . but what about the fairytale, happy ending where they live Happily Ever After? After all, some of it must have SOME truth in it, right? I don't know about you, but I've known a few couples that have made it to 50+ years, so while it's rare, it DOES happen. 

Some of the obvious factors that make a relationship work are, attraction, chemistry (hello, when you first meet - and you need to be attracted to someone to stay with them, on some level). . . communication, trust, common connections. . . but a relationship isn't like a math equation, x plus x equals a healthy or not healthy relationship. There are so many damn variables, and what works for one couple, may not work for another. 

 When I searched for "what makes a relationship work", the top article was literally, How to Make a Relationship Work - How ironic. In it, it listed fifteen "steps" - with my comments in green:

1. Decide to love Duh. I think you not only need to "decide" to love, you need to commit and dedicate yourself to it as well. 
2. Communicate about anything and everything - I'm not sure anything and everything can be open discussion, but you really need to be communicating with your partner to make a relationship last. If you're not talking, or they're not talking to you. . . you really have to question why and who you're talking to - doesn't this lead to potential cheating? (see previous blog)
3. Establish trust on all levels - I think we already know that there needs to be trust in a relationship to make it work and to keep it going. . . if you don't trust someone, what kind of relationship do you have?
4. Support each other - In every great relationship (romantic or not), each person is the others ' cheerleader. You should want the best for the other person, even if you don't fully understand it.
5. Be completely honest with each other - Doesn't this go with telling the other person everything? I believe in honesty, but I also believe in finding ways to tell the other person something with love and compassion. . . obviously, in a perfect world, you will never have that "Does this make me look fat?" scenario, but in real life, you will be able to possibly suggest another option. . . "Honey, I think you looked great in. . . ." (ahhh. . . saved by offering something else without having to tell him/her that whatever they're wearing is unflattering - or straight out ugly).
6. Spend time together - I am a big believer in QUALITY vs quantity. If I can't spend time with someone I care about a lot. . . I want to make sure the time I do spend with them is well spent.
7. Spend time apart - I guess "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is good in this case. Actually, if you have time apart, it gives you things to talk about when you do get back together. Just too much time apart can make you strangers, bring in possible resentment, and could potentially pull two people away from each other.
8. Settle disputes peacefully (apologize, forgive and makeup) - Sometimes  apologizing first can work miracles. . . it can start the end of an argument, and clear the way to start communicating again. Listening and good communication are great to use instead of trying to force your side of an argument.
9. Keep most things private - I think a lot of celebrities are on to something when they value their private lives (aka family and relationships). I hesitate putting things close to my heart out in the open (via facebook or twitter) because I don't want people "all up in my business". Plus, who wants to read about the last fight you had, just to see you holding hands later that day?
10. Make continual efforts to maintain your relationship - I just read an article in a women's magazine (probably Cosmo), that said to do bi-annual or annual checkups on your relationship. . . sort of like a review in the workplace. Asking your significant other what you can do to improve the relationship, what he/she thinks is working, if they have any requests for the bedroom, etc.
11. Be romantic - Romance doesn't have to mean red roses, candlelit dinner, and a walk on the beach. . . special, thoughtout moments are something to be cherished and remembered too. I'm a sucker for things that have been thought out - the little things are always the things that matter the most and ones that I cherish the most.
12. Remember that every person, couple, and relationship is different - I just had this conversation. . . no matter how happy a couple may appear, they may be having their own different issues. What makes one relationship work, may not work for your relationship. One of the best things I have been told was, "treat each relationship like it's your first". . . it's hard to do since I'm pretty jaded, but I shouldn't blame past guys' mistakes on the current situation.
13. Show affection - shouldn't we be affectionate to the person we like/love??
14. Remember  that intensity of emotion can ebb and flow over the years - This is important, and I think a lot of people forget that the tingly feelings won't always be there, but they may come and go. I think if more people truly committed to being in a relationship and sticking it out, then more relationships would last. That's not to say that you're going to agree with everything, and everything is going to be blissful, because I believe that every strong relationship has disagreements (that's what makes you YOU, and keeps your individuality).
15. See family as one, not two - Anyone remember a song about two hearts beating as one? Well, people should keep their individuality, but they should view a relationship as a team.

 Now, these "steps" are fine and dandy and all, but when it comes to a real relationship, do these thing really work? (feel free to comment) 

I think that with any relationship (romantic or not), people need to have some level of commitment towards the relationship - as far as feeling balanced, keeping things fair, and  contribution-wise. I also believe that if a relationship feels unbalanced, and one person feels like they're contributing more than the other person, that the answer isn't always just to give up. Granted, most of the time people don't change, and they are not going to. You can't force someone to do something that they just don't want to. But if you really believe in your relationship, maybe there are a few things that you can find in yourself to change. Magically, if you start to change, somehow the other person can change to (strange how that works). 

Relationships take work, but ideally, I would like my prince and princess, movie fairytale ending. . . house, white picket fence, couple of kids, and a marriage that lasts til "death does us part". 

Dating. . . now what?

So you've just started dating someone, and you think you like them. . . so now what? What date, or month do you decide to have an exclusivity talk? What if they're your number one, but you're still seeing other people - and you'd like to keep it that way? Maybe they're your only one, and you want them to know that and you want them to commit to you, but you don't know how.

When is it appropriate to talk about finances, marriage, kids, and the long-term without completely freaking the other person out?

In an ideal situation, you'd be able to talk to the other person without making them feel like they're "stuck" or "trapped", and they would understand you, and you would understand them. In a perfect world, you both would be on the same page, and neither one would be too nervous, and the words would come out right. However, we live in a world where miscommunication is an everyday occurrence, and feelings are bound to get hurt - one way or the other.

As a weird example, I have these friends, Sandy* and Sean* - they were dating for years, but when he went to propose to her, she actually thought he was going to break up with her! Funny story, but she said yes. . . and well, they're happily (as far as I can see) married and have a house, kids and the whole she-bang. But what made her think that he wanted to break up with her? And what made her ultimately even say "yes". . . personally, if I think someone doesn't want to be with me, why would I want to stay with them? Fortunately for Sandy, Sean wanted to be with her, but obviously they weren't on the same page.

I can only go based off my own experiences. . . for me, my first bf wanted to be with me, and eventually, we naturally took that path to being in a long-term committed relationship - albeit, looking back, it was fairly a short-term relationship. (Ah, young "love") My second bf was a whirlwind fast-paced relationship - and while we were "in love", we were young, and so naively positive about our future together. My third bf wanted to be in a relationship with me more so than I with him - and so we were - but an unmatched relationship always leads to an ultimate end. The common thread to these relationships is that they guy always initiated it, and I went along with the idea of a long-term relationship.

Guys always talk about how they want a girl to initiate things - and maybe it's not with all guys, but there have been a couple where I've asked to be exclusive, and I have been turned down. Maybe people (guys) want their freedom, and don't want to be "tied" down? Obviously I don't make all the right choices, but if I feel something has potential, why not? Of course, with these guys, once I've been turned down - it never fails, I soon become "over it", and move on, and that's when they realize that they want something. Why are we always on the chase?

So that brings me back to honesty. Why is it, in LA, that we are so full of games? So into the chase, the mystery, and our space? Why can't we let people in, share trust, be honest, and have meaningful relationships? Why are we waiting till we are almost "too old" to "settle down" and start a long-term relationship? I don't consider it settling. If I find someone I really enjoy doing things with (like life!). . . how great is it if you can find someone that you can really enjoy things with? It's awesome! So why do we call it settling?? The other person should inspire you, motivate you, challenge you, encourage you, and ultimately want you to be a better YOU.

 Are we that jaded by our pasts that we can't trust anyone? Since when did we have these huge cement walls around our hearts that almost no one can get through? Why don't we want to be with just one person? And why can't one person be enough. . . be our all? 

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty

Jealous? Really?

If a girl wears a low cut top, or a short skirt (or God forbid, both), and her boyfriend or significant other doesn't say anything - he (or she, hey, I'm not discriminating here), is insensitive or doesn't care. If he (or she) does say something, they are insecure and/or jealous. It's almost a lose/lose situation. . . But what about the female in the relationship? Is it ok to flaunt it? Or should they have more respect for their significant other and "cover up"? Maybe they should have more respect for themselves. If a girl looks good, and knows it, why is she so appalled when a guy approaches her?

So this brings me to the hot topic of jealousy. When is too much essentially, too much? I think it's healthy to have a little bit of jealousy - it keeps us from gaining too much weight, keeps us in check, and makes us put enough effort into our relationships to keep that spark going. But if it's obsessive jealousy where the other person starts to stalk their partner, and needs to know where they're at 24/7, then that's something that needs to be put back into check. With jealousy, there needs to be a certain level of respect and trust. Trust that you know your significant other won't be doing something that would potentially hurt you, and respect from both parties that you won't act on impulse and have that level of respect for your relationship. There can be a spark of jealousy if someone checks out your partner - but over-the-top jealousy is when you act out (physically or verbally) on that spark. I think it's healthy to get a twinge, but that doesn't mean I need to verbally or physically assault the person checking out my significant other or my significant other (hey, he didn't even do anything!). However, if I see physical contact, I may have to interject a few choice words.

If your significant other is trying to make you jealous, on the other hand, then maybe it is time to let go. Who wants someone that is, for lack of a better phrase, mind fucking you? If you're old enough to have a relationship, you're old enough to be treated fairly and with the respect and trust that you deserve. If you're f'ing around, then maybe you deserve the games, but does anyone really deserve game playing? Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where you're secure enough in yourself and your partner that you don't have to worry about them or yourself being jealous? I hate to be on either side - I would rather be happy (duh, wouldn't we all?). I want to be confidant in the fact that the person I am with wants me for me, and may look at other girls, but knows that I'm a keeper. I also want the person I am with to have enough trust in me to know that I am not going to sabotage my relationship for a whim, or a fancy. There is no reason to get jealous with me or of me.

Which brings me back to what girls wear. I find that if I like someone enough, I will have the respect to wear something that is "appropriate" for wherever I am going. If that's with my significant other, it may be a little more risque because I am dressing up for him. If it's with just my girls, I may dress up, but downplay it (I'm not looking for attention). I believe that girls dress more for other girls than they do for guys. Sure, they dress up for guys, but more often than not, I see outfits that girls are wearing that basically confuse a guy. For example, jumpsuits and rompers. I think they're super cute, fun, flirty and great for the summer. . . Most guys? Just don't get it. Yet, the romper rage continues. (Thank goodness)

As for the girls who dress like strippers and hoes? Maybe they don't have fashion sense. Maybe they need the extra attention. Now, I was never the girl that wore a bikini top to a club - actually, I never started going to the clubs until I was in my mid 20's. . . but anyway, I wouldn't have been caught dead with a bikini top, or crop top then, and sure as hell won't now - unless I'm at the beach or pool where it's appropriate. However, time and time again, I see girls who I think need a fashion makeover (ever read Glamour magazine's Don'ts? Or watch What Not to Wear?) - part of me wants to snap a quick pic with my handy iPhone and send it into magazines or post it on facebook as an example of what not to wear. I don't claim to be the most stylish, I don't claim to be the best dressed, or have the most fashion sense. . . but you would think something would click with someone that stripper clothing should be used for just that. However, most of those girls that dress like that (*disclaimer* I'm generalizing here), are appalled when a guy comes up to talk to them. And if they bring a significant other, they wonder why their guy is a little uptight. It isn't that the guy isn't proud to show off his lady, but it goes without saying - less is definitely more. What happened to leaving things to the imagination and having some mystery??

But before this goes too far into the fashion territory, let me bring us back to the main topic and conjure up an example. . .

There are several songs out there that sing about tumultuous love, and how somehow, fighting equates passion. Some of them I like, some of them I agree with. However, in reality, I don't want to be fighting with my lover. I really am a lover, not a fighter. Even though I am not going to have chemistry with every single guy out there, I know that there are a lot of guys at my disposal (for lack of saying something with more tact). . . However, once I choose someone, I will give it my all, and once I am done, I am done. Typically, I see a future with someone before they catch on, and usually when they do, the moment is over and I have moved on. Why do guys always wait till it's too late? Anyway, I have had my share of fights - and while passion may have been involved, I am much more content getting along with my significant other. I am blissfully happy doing things with someone, and looking to the future then worried about what he's doing, or who he's doing it with.

Which leads me to Jane* and John*. They have been married for about a couple of years. . . Jane confided in me that she suspected her husband of cheating - He's Just Not Into You, the book and movie played flashbacks in my head - we are programmed to give our girl friends (or friends) the positive spin on things - "it isn't you, it has to be him". . . They have multiple issues with their relationship, but a couple of them is cheating and jealousy. When they first met, it was instant attraction. However, since she's had a baby, her body isn't what it once was, and unfortunately, John is like most men, and is unhappy about how she looks, the situation he is in, etc. And he voices his unhappiness. When Jane told me what she saw and what she thought she knew, I had to point blank ask her what she really felt and thought. I think more people need to be honest with themselves - don't we deserve at least that? If that wasn't enough, one night when a group of us were out at a club, she caught him with another girl. . . and a side story to that is that a few people from our group saw him not just with one other girl, but with a couple (or few) other girls. I'm not condoning cheating, but to do it in front of your so-called significant other AND in front of friends?! I feel that John has overstepped his boundaries, and is causing Jane to be jealous (and hurt, angry, confused, among other things). I think that Jane has the right to be jealous - this is supposedly someone she cares about. But does Jane deserve to be in this type of relationship? On the other hand, I believe that Jane needs to have more self-worth and respect for HERSELF and get rid of the loser. If not for herself, but for her family and her baby who John is blatantly disrespecting. However, my opinion is just my opinion, so she can take it or leave it.

Sadly, Jane and I are no longer friends. I wrote another blog and discussed how people will let significant others batter and bruise them - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet if we get slapped by a friend, we are quickly willing to let our friendship fade away. It's crazy how someone may have a long-term friendship, but will let it go for a guy or girl (romantic relationship). How many friends do you know that come and go as their significant others go in and out of their lives? Are we so desperate to stay in a relationship that makes us unhappy?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

Infidelity, What's the Point?

A hot topic this weekend was: Cheating.

Let me just preface this blog by first stating that when I discuss things, I like to play devil's advocate and try to understand all aspects - even if just for argument's sake.

We probably all have been cheated on or cheated with someone at one point or another. That's a broad statement, but like the six degrees of separation, I believe that either you're a cheater, have been cheated on, or someone has cheated on someone else with you - whether or not you knew. I think the whole "cheating" discussion has a lot of grey area when living in LA, as I've stated in an earlier blog, dating isn't easy, and things aren't always clear. You may be sleeping with someone, and you may think you're only sleeping with them, but they may be sleeping with half of the county, and you may not know (or maybe you do and you don't care). But sleeping with someone, and having a relationship are two completely different things (maybe a topic for another blog).

So say you're seeing someone - you talk to them pretty consistently (as in daily, or every other day - not once a month, or only ever after 10/11pm. . . aka BOOTY CALL), and you're fairly certain that you're both only seeing each other - if the other person has sex with someone else that you're unaware of - is that cheating? I guess it would be if you have a fair understanding that you're "exclusive". Is it worse if you're boyfriend and girlfriend?

Another question that I can't seem to wrap my head around is: Why do people insist on staying in a "relationship" if they want to see other people? I feel like they're basically lying to themselves, to their 'significant other' - for whatever that term is worth, and even potentially to the person they're cheating with. My conclusion is this. . .

People cheat because they're looking for something that they feel is missing in their current relationship. If you place yourself into a situation, or situations that potentially set you up to cheat, you're already walking down that road. I feel like there are many times that people can stop the progression of actually cheating - it's like weight gain. It doesn't happen overnight. You don't just one day wake up and say, "Ok! This is the day I am going to cheat on my significant other and have sex with a complete stranger." I mean, I guess it could happen, but I highly doubt it. And while I don't condone cheating, I do believe that sometimes it is both parties in a relationship that can affect an outcome. For example (and I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but let's just think about this), if one party in the relationship doesn't want to try any more - or more specifically, has shown with their actions that they don't care about the relationship, but doesn't want to completely end it - does it give the other person the right to go and talk to someone else? It happens more often than not, right? You talk to friends, you talk to a coworker, you talk to someone you meet. . . you start to open up, and before you know it, you've been able to talk about things that you haven't been able to say for awhile, and it feels good. Is that cheating?

I believe that cheating encompasses not only the physical acts. . . and let me put them on the table for some of you that want to generalize - I want to be specific; sex (in any form - we don't need to get graphic), kissing, romantically hugging, etc. . . but also in emotional and mental as well. I think emotional cheating is something that happens the most - and is the most damaging. It means that our significant other connected with someone other than ourselves, and shared things with someone else that they didn't want to, couldn't or wouldn't share with us. How does it happen? Easy. You have a coworker - you may or may not be physically attracted to them, but that doesn't matter. . . it starts off innocently, maybe, "How was your weekend?", but as you work day after day together, you find out more about their lives, what their interests are, what their relationships are like. . . and you share things with that person that you may not with anyone else - it's like getting a third party perspective. . . and before you know it, you feel safe with them. Maybe they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, so going to lunch together is okay since you both are in relationships - it feels "safe". All of a sudden, you realize you're sharing a lot with that person, you get along so well. . . I suppose there is a point where everyone realizes where this could potentially end up, and only keep it as a platonic relationship, or give up on their current relationship and play with fire sotospeak. However, I think people emotionally cheat without knowing they're doing so. It comes naturally to want to share things with someone else, and before you know it, you've damaged your current relationship, and you've sparked a new one. What then? Do you try to rekindle your old relationship? Do you start a new one? Will you be completely honest about what happened to both parties?

True Story

I'm sure this happens all too often, you know someone, and they have a significant other, and they live together - but he or she is cheating with someone else. Maybe the other party knows, maybe they don't, but I still am curious as to wonder why they stay together? Maybe they're married, and they don't want to get a divorce, or maybe they're so codependent on each other that they don't think they can "do it alone". . . whatever the excuse is, does that make cheating ok? What if they're both cheating on each other? Some relationships work that way, I supposed.

I have several stories of guys continuously cheating on their girls (as I'm sure there are a fair number of girls cheating on their guys). . . There's this guy, we'll call him John* and his girlfriend, we'll call her Samantha*. They've been together so long, that it's natural for their friends to see them almost as one unit. Quite often though, John is seen with other girls - for his sake, I don't know exactly what goes on with him and these other girls, but let's just say what isn't stated, can only be imagined. Samantha may know that he is cheating on her, but she's broken up with him so many times, only to get back together with him. Which, I think has conditioned John to not really believe those breakups, and hasn't affected his behavior.

I believe that in certain situations, cheating and everything that goes along with it is a circular cycle. Maybe she nags too much, maybe she doesn't fulfill something, or maybe he's lacking something. . . so he turns to someone else, someone that listens to his woes, or gives him an extra sexual excitement. . . if she suspects, or finds out, she's even naggy-er, or whatever the case, they break up, but he feels guilty, he begs her back, showers her with gifts and promises never to stray again. . . they feel like they did when they were first together, the honeymoon stage, and things are "perfect", if not for awhile. . . and then it happens again. He comes home late from work, or something else ticks her off, and it snowballs, he finds someone else, and you know the rest. . .

So I guess my question is, if you're so unhappy, why stay? If it obviously hasn't worked out the past several times, what makes you think that getting back together is going to work out this time? Even if you have children, or you're married, or you've been together for a long time. . . I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and treated with respect, honor and with love. If you don't trust someone at all, if you're always wondering where they're at, what they're doing, who they're with, etc., it makes you go crazy. Do you deserve to make yourself go crazy? It is hard to imagine that there is someone out there that may make you happier. You CAN start over. You can build new memories and share special moments with someone else. I believe, that if someone is ok with treating you like shit, then they don't deserve one minute of your time. You cannot make someone else change, and you cannot "babysit" someone else either - you'll make them go crazy along with yourself.

And if you are the cheater. . . if your significant other doesn't already know, you really need to question why you're cheating. What your significant other means to you, and how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Should you tell your significant other? That's something you need to determine for yourself. If he or she really doesn't know that you're cheating, will telling them hurt them more? Sometimes ignorance IS bliss. What if you know that a friend is cheating, or a friend's significant other is cheating. . . do you tell? What do you say? Who believes who? That's a sticky situation in itself as well.

So my last thoughts are. . . if you're not happy in a relationship, you should ask yourself why. What can you do to fix it? If you're not trying, no one else is either. I believe a damaged relationship can be repaired. . . I believe in second and third chances. I can only speak for myself, and only I know the reasons for things that I do and have done. I believe in trust, respect and honor. I also believe that sometimes breaking up is the only answer left, even if divorce was never in your vocabulary. Each relationship is different, and some need more work than others. If you have been cheated on, you realize that you have to put the past behind you and focus on the future. If you're the cheater, you have to rectify your ways and start changing how you do things, and be more aware of your actions. If you're the other woman or man, no matter what is told to you about the their significant other - doesn't make what you're doing any more right. Yes, you may not connect to everyone out there, but realistically, there are other options. Why stay if you're completely unhappy?

*Names changed to protected the innocent and the guilty

TMI - (Too Much Information)

In the world where "facebooking", "tweeting", "blogging" and "I posted you" are common phrases, it leaves me to wonder what happened to face-to-face interactions, and when did technology become a third wheel in our relationships? What did we do before Facebook, Myspace and Twitter? When did having a texting conversation become normal, and why can't we (or do we just refuse?) pick up the phone? In this age of technology, have we just become lazier?

Granted, we still have those annoyingly loud people who stubbornly choose to have their relationship/drama/inappropriate/private conversations in obviously public places (you know who you are). . . but when I find myself retreating to my computer, texting, facebooking and emailing people instead of actually seeing them, it really gives me a jolt. Where has human contact gone, and will we end up like Demolition Man where we don't even have physical contact to have sex???

Personally, I still value my face-to-face interactions with my friends and family. As I get busier with work, my personal life, my social life, my hobbies, etc. . . actually squeezing in a dinner or a lunch or a coffee date is next to null. If I can hit two or three birds with one stone, I try to - which I'm sure most people do as well. We dine with a few friends instead of just one, we lunch and conduct business at the same time, we catch up on emails and facebook - we've become a multitasking technology savvy society! "I just don't have time" is an excuse I hear myself telling MYSELF. . . but if I look at my statuses, and check my facebook wall, I'm ashamed to admit that I probably did have that five minutes to chat with a friend (if even over the phone), or ten or fifteen minutes to just grab a cup of coffee, or even have lunch or dinner. It isn't that my schedule is so bogged down with vital tasks and duties, it's that I've chosen other means to fill my time. Even when I am face-to-face with someone, I find that I am texting someone else, "yelping", or facebooking.

Which leads me to. . .

Finding love in this day and age.
Forget Los Angeles (CA). If you're a normal human being, you're working, going to school, running errands, hitting the gym, hanging out with your friends, going to the bars or clubs, going out to eat, grocery shopping, etc. . . you run into several persons and people throughout your day. Not only do you get to see these people, you have options over the internet. I'm sure that you get the emails - some escape that spam filter!, facebook messages, texts, etc.

You think you find the one. You hit a speed bump in your relationship, and instead of working it out and communicating the "old fashioned way", we turn to our "trusty" technology. My love/hate relationship with technology is this. . . it is as great (or awful) as the user. Porn is as easily accessible as your favorite apple pie recipe (no pun intended) - if you have a smartphone, you've got access. Want to find someone to chat to? Easy as punching a few numbers on your phone. Need eye candy? Look no further than your laptop. Don't own a laptop? I'm sure a friend has one, or borrow their phone. We easily share all of our daily activites and whereabouts to millions of strangers each day, minute by minute.

Want to see how a baby is born? Google it.

Maybe my brother is on to something when he refuses to get a facebook account - and if he isn't on facebook, he obviously is not on twitter, yelp, LinkedIn, Hi5 or any of the other social networking sites. I think a little mystery is left to be desired when we choose to share our entire lives for everyone else. It feels like people want to create their own celebrity by tweeting about their daily lives (WHO CARES who you just ate lunch with or talked about or was thinking about or what you're excited about?!). . . on the other side of it, people are so damn nosy and want to share everything (including their opinion, hence why I'm allowed to have my own blog). A milder argument is that having blogs and facebook and such is a tool to be able to record our lives as quickly, easily and efficiently as possible. Ten years from now, my daughter can look back on what I did (or didn't do), and see the fun activities that I've recorded in my statuses. I can look back and see accomplishments and great moments in my life.

But at what cost?

When do we say BUH BYE to the leech that's taking over our relationships and get back to basics? Why do we rely so heavily on technology to get us through the day (I know some of you can relate when you freak out 'cause you can't find your phone, or your battery is dead)? Is it really necessary to Google someone to find out where they're from? What happened to our communication skills and simple honesty? It may be easier to communicate virtually, but don't we start to lose that connection? That HUMAN connection? If we rely so much on our computers and phones - they may never "learn" to think by themselves, but we do give them the power to rule our lives. Take a break. Ask your friend or significant other how they're doing. Learn to ask questions in person. Do you remember what color their eyes are? What are their thoughts on a topic close to your heart? When was the last time you shared a secret with just one person without posting it as your status or tweeting it to the internet world?

Computers, phones and technology in general are great. . . but I guess my lesson for myself, my reminder, is that they are just tools. I can't rely on them to convey messages that I want the people closest to me to know. Posting I Love You or ♥ IS NOT the same as telling someone to their face (as is posting a hateful message vs. telling someone the truth to their face - but that's another topic for another post).

Life is just too damn short to let something that doesn't really think for themselves (and doesn't literally have a heart) let someone I really care about know I care about them.

*** MANY thanks to MY SOURCE* for coming up with Demolition Man (I couldn't remember the title for the movie, and even with my researching skills, still couldn't figure it out) What a lifesaver!! ***

Marriage vs. A Wedding

Sitting in church this weekend, I was reminded again how people treat the ideas of weddings and marriages. "People invest so much into their weddings, and forget to invest into their marriages." We are so consumed about showing our love for one another in a wedding, that we forget to invest in what really matters, our marriages. Maybe this is why so many marriages fail. In The Invention of Lying, Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson throw a funny spin on wedding vows. It's one of the last scenes, where Brad (Kessler - Rob Lowe) and Anna (McDoogles - Jennifer Garner) are exchanging vows, and the wedding overseer asks them if they will promise to take each other until they want to. Funny, but isn't that the case in today's society? I can't even count the number of people who I know who have this idea of marriage - that if it doesn't work, divorce is definitely an option.

I think most people I know already knows someone who is divorced or has divorced themselves - it's rare to know a couple that has made it 50+ years in a marriage - let alone 10! Can anyone say, "Seven Year Itch"? I haven't experienced marriage myself, but from my brief experience with relationships, I know a lot of time, energy, work, compromise and communication goes into it. Sometimes a relationship isn't balanced - but if you don't get that balance back, that relationship may be set for failure. It's a give a take. . . and it goes both ways. That's all good in theory, I know, but putting it into practice, and throwing in emotions, drama, outside influence, etc., and it's a recipe that may end in disaster.

So what makes a marriage work? Time. Understanding. Patience. Effort. Love. Communication. Balance. Wait. Isn't that the SAME THING as a RELATIONSHIP?? I believe that people forget that a marriage is structured on a simple friendship. A partnership. Someone you can grow and learn from and with. I feel like our society is so focused on WEDDINGS and the hoopla that goes along with it, that we forget to put our relationships as our priority. I guess if there is one thing that we need to be reminded, is that not to forget the meaning of marriage, and that a wedding should reflect our celebration of the union of two people and their love for one another.

On a lighter note. . .

Ever been on a date and not realize it? Gray* has told me that it's happened to her a couple of times. . . and she only realized it when the guy went to kiss her at the end of the night. Awkward!

Which leads me to Scott*. A friend texted me the other day and asked me if I remembered Scott - some guy I'd seen around. Of course I remembered him, super friendly, outgoing, energetic. She then asked me if she could give him my number because he wanted to invite me to "something". At first, I was clueless, wondering why a complete stranger would want to invite me somewhere, and why my friend wasn't telling me details. And then I realized, the guy wanted to ask me out on a date! Ummm. . . still awkward! I suppose it would have been even more awkward if we had gone out for dinner or something else, but that whole interaction with my friend was slightly embarrassing.

So. The lesson for the week; not to be so naive!

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty

Is there anyone "normal" out there that's compatible??!!

I'm sure guys get this too. . . you finally meet that great girl (or guy), and you are on your first date - and you realize WTF am I doing here, and how do I get out of here ASAP?! Obviously he or she didn't look like Mr. Pyscho in the picture over there, otherwise you wouldn't have made it to this first date. . . but that got me thinking, where are all the normal people in this world of "so many people"?!

Gray* went on another date from her dating website recently, and didn't even know the guy's real name. She did, however find it out, not through the conventional way, but with the dude speaking in third person (Anyone remember Jimmy D from Millionare Matchmaker?). It's normal for a guy in LA to have an ego, but really?! I thought that talking in third person was made for bad reality tv. What do I know, right?

Along with Gray's unfortunate dating experience, I also got flashbacks of a friend, Ali* who used to drag me along as her "chaperone" when she would meet up with the random guys she meet on the dating website she was using. Maybe the free part should have tipped her off, but relentlessly, she met up with guy after guy, and I, even unwillingly, went - if not scared for her safety. One of the first guys we met was semi-ok. . . tall, skinny, totally her type. He actually was brave enough to meet up with me, Ali and a few other girlfriends. . . but then wanted to take Ali away so they could have some "private time" - uh. Let me think about that. . . let my friend drive off in some random dude's car? I think not. Oh yeah. And while we were all together in a group, he kept trying to talk to another one of the girls in the group. Can we say douche?

Then there was Billy*, the totally rocker dude who looked like a hottie in his profile, seemed intelligent, and was hapa (part asian and part something else). . . not so much her type, but the guy had muscles. Billy met us up after a night out at a diner. He finally shows up, and he is greaser to the max - SOOO not her type. Supposedly doesn't drink, do drugs, and is "straight-edge", but homeboy is twitching like he's getting electrocuted, and his eyes were moving around like those googly eyes you use for arts and crafts. Straight-edge my butt. We 86'd this fellow asap, and of course, he tries telling me to let him have some time with her - Um. NO WAY DUDE. I tell her to watch her back, don't let him follow her home, and text me when she gets home. He texts her: I hope you get home safe. . . That's sane enough, right? I hope you don't crash or anything bad Yikes. If that's not bad enough, several days later, he texts her to give him "her hot friend's number" - that's me. HELL NO.

So when someone tells me that there are "plenty of fish in the sea", I want to challenge them to find me one that is compatible with me, won't kill me or abuse me (emotionally or physically), can carry a decent conversation, has an education (at least his h.s. diploma!), a job, not living with his parents, doesn't have emotional baggage, has some sense of fashion, won't lie, beg, cheat or steal, and has THAT CONNECTION WITH ME. . . oh yeah, and actually wants to be with ME. And I'd like to be attracted to the guy please.

It's no wonder, if you're living in LA, and you're single that there are many, many reasons for that. But if everyone else is unstable, and you are not, my thoughts are, what is wrong with you?

* Names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

"Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option in their's."

I keep seeing that quote a lot lately, and it's got me thinking - How DO I know if I'm a priority in someone's life? Well, for starters, I think about the people closest to me, and think about the way that I interact and treat them - like my family and close friends. I take the time each day to make sure that I contact them - whether that be a phone call, a text, email or even seeing them face-to-face. I give them time in my day because they ARE a priority in my life. To the people that I don't see as a priority, I contact them less, and we talk infrequently.

Stephen Covey talks about an emotional bank in his book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Just like a bank account, where we're able to deposit and withdraw money, people have "banks" that other people can deposit emotions (good and bad) in their relationships. With a financial bank, you must continue to deposit money in order to be able to withdraw. In a relationship, you must continue to add kindness and courtesies to build the bank and the relationship. If a person continues to be unkind and breaks promises, this can make the emotional bank run empty and ultimately damage the relationship.

For example, I have several friends with whom I believe (and feel) that my emotional bank is full with them. We keep our word, call when we say we're going to call, and don't flake out on get togethers and promises. My emotional bank is so full with some of these friends, that a missed call or text or a last minute cancellation of plans is no big deal because I know that we will make it up. However, I have had relationships where my emotional bank was empty. Broken promises, continual "I'll make it up to you!", but never carrying through with it, and on and on. After awhile, those over withdrawals start to hinder a relationship.

Which leads me to a sore topic;

CHEATING

So we all know someone who has cheated, been cheated on, or at the worse, been cheated on ourselves. It sucks, but it happens, and in LA, it happens quite frequently. With or without the other person knowing or ultimately finding out.

I have several scenarios, but we'll choose my friend, whom I will call London*. Her and her significant other, Caleb* have been together now for approximately 2 and a half years. Not long, right? Well, they're the kind of couple who met, instantly were together, and now are a little family unit. . . except for the part that he's probably cheating on her. A few things said to me by her, his character, and a few things told to me by people who have witnessed his actions. . . Granted, I have never caught him myself, but the whole situation leaves me to wonder. . .

I am torn, as a friend, I would hope and pray someone would tell me. . . but at the same time, sometimes denial is (or at least feels like it) the better option. No one wants to know or think that they are being cheated on. So part of me wants to call her and tell her, and part of me thinks that maybe she's happier and better off just not knowing. . . because part of me thinks that even if she knows, she'll still stay with him, so what would be the point in telling her? She has made it quite clear that she wants to stay with him, no matter how bad he treats her, and all the emotional roller coaster she goes on to be with him.

When is enough enough? Don't we deserve to be happy?

*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty

Welcome!

So my friend, we shall call her Gray*, has recently moved back to LA - that's Los Angeles, not Louisiana (HUGE difference), is recently divorced, and getting back into the dating scene - at the insistence of her mom and a few close friends. With all the great technology we have at our fingertips, she was persuaded to sign up on a dating website (we'll leave the site's name out of it for now). It's supposedly reputable, and from my knowledge, has gotten singles into long-term relationships and *ahem* marriages.

So a few weeks ago, she mentioned to me that she had signed up for this dating website, and I couldn't help but laugh - I didn't believe her. Do people really find significant others online? Apparently so.

She met this guy, we'll call him Bob*, he initiated contact, and convinced Gray to meet up after only a week of talking. I was hesitant of the idea, but she made plans to meet him half way between her place and his, during the day, and told me she would let me know how it went.

So Saturday came, and Gray drove out to the destination place to meet Bob, and realized she was running late. . . Gray calls Bob, but only gets his voicemail, so she leaves him a message saying she's finding it hard to find the place, but she'll be there soon. Gray finally finds the place and calls Bob again to see where he's at, again, no answer. She doesn't leave a vm, but texts him inquiring where he is. Still no answer. Finally realizing she has been stood up, she leaves, wondering What the hell?!

Tuesday rolls around, and Gray gets a text from Bob: So what happened to you. . .
Gray: I was wondering the same thing
Bob: I was there. What happened to you? We should meet up again :)

Here's the kicker; while Gray initially thought she was driving to meet this Bob character halfway between her house and his, she actually drove 30min past his place to meet him - she she drove an hour and a half to get stood up.

Moral of the story: get to know someone before you put yourself out there.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty

My Two Cents

As I get older, I realize that the "dating scene" is a lot more complicated than: I like you, you like me, let's date and we're together. No pun intended, but there seems to be a lot of grey area - no more black and white. Now that we have the internet with us 24/7 (thanks to our smartphones, work internet, laptops, etc.), we're bombarded with more choices than we know what to do. People don't want to settle, they want to keep searching - which is a detriment, I think to monogamy.

What happened to the days of simplicity? People date for longer periods of time before getting into "long term" relationships, and then there are the people who date for mere months and get married. I don't mind dating, but I want to know that it's progressing, and that I'm not just ultimately getting "used". I think guys have a different mentality where, they'll date, and if it doesn't work out, they end it with no strings attached because they've never fully committed.

What ever happened to monogamy and commitment? I don't want to date someone with the thought in the back of my mind that he's seeing (talking, having sex with, kissing, etc.) another girl when we're not together. What happened to morals? Standards? What happened to loyalty and the sheer happiness of being with ONE person? Is one person not enough?