Making It Work

You know all those cute quirks that were adorable during the honeymoon phase?. . . and how, shoot a few months down the road, or a couple of years, and those "quirks" that were just so gosh darn cute are just SO DAMN IRRITATING??. . . I've dated a few people, and with my experiences, my friends', people I've talked to and dated. . . "long-term", just doesn't mean long-term as traditionally speaking. What I'm saying is, people say "long-term", and they mean it, but it means for a longer period than, oh, a handful of months. . . with divorce rates at 40-50% (http://www.divorcerate.org/) -  that's for FIRST marriages in America, and dating relationships lasting less than 5 years, it's any wonder people even get into so-called "long-term" relationships in the first place.

We all know what can make a relationship NOT work: arguing, nagging, jealousy, chemistry, trust, respect, etc. . . but what about the fairytale, happy ending where they live Happily Ever After? After all, some of it must have SOME truth in it, right? I don't know about you, but I've known a few couples that have made it to 50+ years, so while it's rare, it DOES happen. 

Some of the obvious factors that make a relationship work are, attraction, chemistry (hello, when you first meet - and you need to be attracted to someone to stay with them, on some level). . . communication, trust, common connections. . . but a relationship isn't like a math equation, x plus x equals a healthy or not healthy relationship. There are so many damn variables, and what works for one couple, may not work for another. 

 When I searched for "what makes a relationship work", the top article was literally, How to Make a Relationship Work - How ironic. In it, it listed fifteen "steps" - with my comments in green:

1. Decide to love Duh. I think you not only need to "decide" to love, you need to commit and dedicate yourself to it as well. 
2. Communicate about anything and everything - I'm not sure anything and everything can be open discussion, but you really need to be communicating with your partner to make a relationship last. If you're not talking, or they're not talking to you. . . you really have to question why and who you're talking to - doesn't this lead to potential cheating? (see previous blog)
3. Establish trust on all levels - I think we already know that there needs to be trust in a relationship to make it work and to keep it going. . . if you don't trust someone, what kind of relationship do you have?
4. Support each other - In every great relationship (romantic or not), each person is the others ' cheerleader. You should want the best for the other person, even if you don't fully understand it.
5. Be completely honest with each other - Doesn't this go with telling the other person everything? I believe in honesty, but I also believe in finding ways to tell the other person something with love and compassion. . . obviously, in a perfect world, you will never have that "Does this make me look fat?" scenario, but in real life, you will be able to possibly suggest another option. . . "Honey, I think you looked great in. . . ." (ahhh. . . saved by offering something else without having to tell him/her that whatever they're wearing is unflattering - or straight out ugly).
6. Spend time together - I am a big believer in QUALITY vs quantity. If I can't spend time with someone I care about a lot. . . I want to make sure the time I do spend with them is well spent.
7. Spend time apart - I guess "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is good in this case. Actually, if you have time apart, it gives you things to talk about when you do get back together. Just too much time apart can make you strangers, bring in possible resentment, and could potentially pull two people away from each other.
8. Settle disputes peacefully (apologize, forgive and makeup) - Sometimes  apologizing first can work miracles. . . it can start the end of an argument, and clear the way to start communicating again. Listening and good communication are great to use instead of trying to force your side of an argument.
9. Keep most things private - I think a lot of celebrities are on to something when they value their private lives (aka family and relationships). I hesitate putting things close to my heart out in the open (via facebook or twitter) because I don't want people "all up in my business". Plus, who wants to read about the last fight you had, just to see you holding hands later that day?
10. Make continual efforts to maintain your relationship - I just read an article in a women's magazine (probably Cosmo), that said to do bi-annual or annual checkups on your relationship. . . sort of like a review in the workplace. Asking your significant other what you can do to improve the relationship, what he/she thinks is working, if they have any requests for the bedroom, etc.
11. Be romantic - Romance doesn't have to mean red roses, candlelit dinner, and a walk on the beach. . . special, thoughtout moments are something to be cherished and remembered too. I'm a sucker for things that have been thought out - the little things are always the things that matter the most and ones that I cherish the most.
12. Remember that every person, couple, and relationship is different - I just had this conversation. . . no matter how happy a couple may appear, they may be having their own different issues. What makes one relationship work, may not work for your relationship. One of the best things I have been told was, "treat each relationship like it's your first". . . it's hard to do since I'm pretty jaded, but I shouldn't blame past guys' mistakes on the current situation.
13. Show affection - shouldn't we be affectionate to the person we like/love??
14. Remember  that intensity of emotion can ebb and flow over the years - This is important, and I think a lot of people forget that the tingly feelings won't always be there, but they may come and go. I think if more people truly committed to being in a relationship and sticking it out, then more relationships would last. That's not to say that you're going to agree with everything, and everything is going to be blissful, because I believe that every strong relationship has disagreements (that's what makes you YOU, and keeps your individuality).
15. See family as one, not two - Anyone remember a song about two hearts beating as one? Well, people should keep their individuality, but they should view a relationship as a team.

 Now, these "steps" are fine and dandy and all, but when it comes to a real relationship, do these thing really work? (feel free to comment) 

I think that with any relationship (romantic or not), people need to have some level of commitment towards the relationship - as far as feeling balanced, keeping things fair, and  contribution-wise. I also believe that if a relationship feels unbalanced, and one person feels like they're contributing more than the other person, that the answer isn't always just to give up. Granted, most of the time people don't change, and they are not going to. You can't force someone to do something that they just don't want to. But if you really believe in your relationship, maybe there are a few things that you can find in yourself to change. Magically, if you start to change, somehow the other person can change to (strange how that works). 

Relationships take work, but ideally, I would like my prince and princess, movie fairytale ending. . . house, white picket fence, couple of kids, and a marriage that lasts til "death does us part". 

Marriage vs. A Wedding

Sitting in church this weekend, I was reminded again how people treat the ideas of weddings and marriages. "People invest so much into their weddings, and forget to invest into their marriages." We are so consumed about showing our love for one another in a wedding, that we forget to invest in what really matters, our marriages. Maybe this is why so many marriages fail. In The Invention of Lying, Ricky Gervais and Matthew Robinson throw a funny spin on wedding vows. It's one of the last scenes, where Brad (Kessler - Rob Lowe) and Anna (McDoogles - Jennifer Garner) are exchanging vows, and the wedding overseer asks them if they will promise to take each other until they want to. Funny, but isn't that the case in today's society? I can't even count the number of people who I know who have this idea of marriage - that if it doesn't work, divorce is definitely an option.

I think most people I know already knows someone who is divorced or has divorced themselves - it's rare to know a couple that has made it 50+ years in a marriage - let alone 10! Can anyone say, "Seven Year Itch"? I haven't experienced marriage myself, but from my brief experience with relationships, I know a lot of time, energy, work, compromise and communication goes into it. Sometimes a relationship isn't balanced - but if you don't get that balance back, that relationship may be set for failure. It's a give a take. . . and it goes both ways. That's all good in theory, I know, but putting it into practice, and throwing in emotions, drama, outside influence, etc., and it's a recipe that may end in disaster.

So what makes a marriage work? Time. Understanding. Patience. Effort. Love. Communication. Balance. Wait. Isn't that the SAME THING as a RELATIONSHIP?? I believe that people forget that a marriage is structured on a simple friendship. A partnership. Someone you can grow and learn from and with. I feel like our society is so focused on WEDDINGS and the hoopla that goes along with it, that we forget to put our relationships as our priority. I guess if there is one thing that we need to be reminded, is that not to forget the meaning of marriage, and that a wedding should reflect our celebration of the union of two people and their love for one another.

On a lighter note. . .

Ever been on a date and not realize it? Gray* has told me that it's happened to her a couple of times. . . and she only realized it when the guy went to kiss her at the end of the night. Awkward!

Which leads me to Scott*. A friend texted me the other day and asked me if I remembered Scott - some guy I'd seen around. Of course I remembered him, super friendly, outgoing, energetic. She then asked me if she could give him my number because he wanted to invite me to "something". At first, I was clueless, wondering why a complete stranger would want to invite me somewhere, and why my friend wasn't telling me details. And then I realized, the guy wanted to ask me out on a date! Ummm. . . still awkward! I suppose it would have been even more awkward if we had gone out for dinner or something else, but that whole interaction with my friend was slightly embarrassing.

So. The lesson for the week; not to be so naive!

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty