Dating. . . now what?

So you've just started dating someone, and you think you like them. . . so now what? What date, or month do you decide to have an exclusivity talk? What if they're your number one, but you're still seeing other people - and you'd like to keep it that way? Maybe they're your only one, and you want them to know that and you want them to commit to you, but you don't know how.

When is it appropriate to talk about finances, marriage, kids, and the long-term without completely freaking the other person out?

In an ideal situation, you'd be able to talk to the other person without making them feel like they're "stuck" or "trapped", and they would understand you, and you would understand them. In a perfect world, you both would be on the same page, and neither one would be too nervous, and the words would come out right. However, we live in a world where miscommunication is an everyday occurrence, and feelings are bound to get hurt - one way or the other.

As a weird example, I have these friends, Sandy* and Sean* - they were dating for years, but when he went to propose to her, she actually thought he was going to break up with her! Funny story, but she said yes. . . and well, they're happily (as far as I can see) married and have a house, kids and the whole she-bang. But what made her think that he wanted to break up with her? And what made her ultimately even say "yes". . . personally, if I think someone doesn't want to be with me, why would I want to stay with them? Fortunately for Sandy, Sean wanted to be with her, but obviously they weren't on the same page.

I can only go based off my own experiences. . . for me, my first bf wanted to be with me, and eventually, we naturally took that path to being in a long-term committed relationship - albeit, looking back, it was fairly a short-term relationship. (Ah, young "love") My second bf was a whirlwind fast-paced relationship - and while we were "in love", we were young, and so naively positive about our future together. My third bf wanted to be in a relationship with me more so than I with him - and so we were - but an unmatched relationship always leads to an ultimate end. The common thread to these relationships is that they guy always initiated it, and I went along with the idea of a long-term relationship.

Guys always talk about how they want a girl to initiate things - and maybe it's not with all guys, but there have been a couple where I've asked to be exclusive, and I have been turned down. Maybe people (guys) want their freedom, and don't want to be "tied" down? Obviously I don't make all the right choices, but if I feel something has potential, why not? Of course, with these guys, once I've been turned down - it never fails, I soon become "over it", and move on, and that's when they realize that they want something. Why are we always on the chase?

So that brings me back to honesty. Why is it, in LA, that we are so full of games? So into the chase, the mystery, and our space? Why can't we let people in, share trust, be honest, and have meaningful relationships? Why are we waiting till we are almost "too old" to "settle down" and start a long-term relationship? I don't consider it settling. If I find someone I really enjoy doing things with (like life!). . . how great is it if you can find someone that you can really enjoy things with? It's awesome! So why do we call it settling?? The other person should inspire you, motivate you, challenge you, encourage you, and ultimately want you to be a better YOU.

 Are we that jaded by our pasts that we can't trust anyone? Since when did we have these huge cement walls around our hearts that almost no one can get through? Why don't we want to be with just one person? And why can't one person be enough. . . be our all? 

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty

Welcome!

So my friend, we shall call her Gray*, has recently moved back to LA - that's Los Angeles, not Louisiana (HUGE difference), is recently divorced, and getting back into the dating scene - at the insistence of her mom and a few close friends. With all the great technology we have at our fingertips, she was persuaded to sign up on a dating website (we'll leave the site's name out of it for now). It's supposedly reputable, and from my knowledge, has gotten singles into long-term relationships and *ahem* marriages.

So a few weeks ago, she mentioned to me that she had signed up for this dating website, and I couldn't help but laugh - I didn't believe her. Do people really find significant others online? Apparently so.

She met this guy, we'll call him Bob*, he initiated contact, and convinced Gray to meet up after only a week of talking. I was hesitant of the idea, but she made plans to meet him half way between her place and his, during the day, and told me she would let me know how it went.

So Saturday came, and Gray drove out to the destination place to meet Bob, and realized she was running late. . . Gray calls Bob, but only gets his voicemail, so she leaves him a message saying she's finding it hard to find the place, but she'll be there soon. Gray finally finds the place and calls Bob again to see where he's at, again, no answer. She doesn't leave a vm, but texts him inquiring where he is. Still no answer. Finally realizing she has been stood up, she leaves, wondering What the hell?!

Tuesday rolls around, and Gray gets a text from Bob: So what happened to you. . .
Gray: I was wondering the same thing
Bob: I was there. What happened to you? We should meet up again :)

Here's the kicker; while Gray initially thought she was driving to meet this Bob character halfway between her house and his, she actually drove 30min past his place to meet him - she she drove an hour and a half to get stood up.

Moral of the story: get to know someone before you put yourself out there.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty

My Two Cents

As I get older, I realize that the "dating scene" is a lot more complicated than: I like you, you like me, let's date and we're together. No pun intended, but there seems to be a lot of grey area - no more black and white. Now that we have the internet with us 24/7 (thanks to our smartphones, work internet, laptops, etc.), we're bombarded with more choices than we know what to do. People don't want to settle, they want to keep searching - which is a detriment, I think to monogamy.

What happened to the days of simplicity? People date for longer periods of time before getting into "long term" relationships, and then there are the people who date for mere months and get married. I don't mind dating, but I want to know that it's progressing, and that I'm not just ultimately getting "used". I think guys have a different mentality where, they'll date, and if it doesn't work out, they end it with no strings attached because they've never fully committed.

What ever happened to monogamy and commitment? I don't want to date someone with the thought in the back of my mind that he's seeing (talking, having sex with, kissing, etc.) another girl when we're not together. What happened to morals? Standards? What happened to loyalty and the sheer happiness of being with ONE person? Is one person not enough?