Polygamy... Open Relationship?

With TLC's new show, Sister Wives, I got to thinking about polygamous relationships. If you're not familiar with the show, there's this guy, Kody, and he has four "wives",  Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn. Meri is the 1st wife, and she has been married to Kody for 20 years. Janelle and Kody have been married 17 years, and Christine and Kody have been married 16 years - Robyn is the newest wife, and she and Kody recently got married. I've only watched a couple episodes of Sister Wives, but I find the whole idea of polygamy interesting.

Does an open relationship really work? Can it work? It baffles me that someone would be willing (and ok) to "share" their partner with another person - physically, emotionally and mentally. I understand the dynamic of having a larger family (and support system) - but I would imagine that it would be emotionally tolling to know that my husband/partner was also being intimate (physically and emotionally) with someone else. It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept of polygamy because I have only known a two-person relationship.

For me, polygamy is very much like having an open committed relationship - but very one-sided. With Sister Wives, Kody gets to have four different women - but those women only have one man. Granted, the wives depend on each other for emotional support, but what about that emotional connection you have when you have one partner? I feel like being in a polygamous relationship, that a woman possibly doesn't feel like she deserves to be her partner's only spouse.

 I know what it's like to be cheated on, and that feeling isn't one that makes me feel desired, happy or significant. I want to know my partner is only with me - and we connect on a completely different level - emotionally, physically, chemically, etc. than anyone else does - or ever will. Once someone has cheated on you, they've broken that bond that you've shared and had (not to mention trust). In a polygamous relationship, there are so many different dynamics to make it work and stick. I don't know if I could handle my husband not coming to bed with me every night - and I don't think that makes me insecure.

Is polygamy wrong? I know that it is wrong for me, and legally you aren't allowed to marry more than one person at a time - but who's to judge that it's wrong? If it suits the people involved, does it make it ok? What about the children born into a polygamous relationship? One of the Sister Wives episodes I was watching, one of the pre-teen/teenage daughters of the family said that when she "grew up", she did not want to choose the life of polygamy. I find that interesting that she has grown up in a household that supports and chose that lifestyle, but already knows that's not something that will work for her. So conditioning isn't always a factor in producing polygamous relationships.

 Something else that I find interesting is, being and staying emotionally connected to more than one person. A relationship takes a lot of time and energy - physically, emotionally and mentally. Trying to upkeep close emotional relationships with multiple people must wear a person out! Not to mention all the children, extended family and friends involved. And what about find about yourself, and growing personally? When do you get a chance to have alone time? I think people need time to theirselves, time to get away and relax and regroup.

 It doesn't seem like someone could be completely open and honest if they are in a polygamous relationship - male or female. I could imagine that it would be hard to share intimate information with multiple people, or keep several secrets, or to share the same story over and over - can you imagine? Forgetting to tell someone something, or telling the same story too many times because you forgot if you told someone something - or who you told. Who do the wives complain to if they have a gripe about their husband? Or another wife? What it comes down to is, a monogamous relationship takes a lot of work, a polygamous relationship must be that much more work.

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Casual Sex

If you've ever watched Sex and the City (SATC), or had/have a girlfriend that is obsessed over the series or movie, you know that Carrie is the girl's girl. She has an amazing closet, and a to-die for wardrobe. Miranda is the obsessive work-aholic. Charlotte is the traditional blue-blood who is hopeless/hopeful romantic. And Samantha. . oh, Samantha. She is the woman who sleeps around - but is admired for her ballsiness in business and in life. She is the go-getter.

Let's talk about Samantha in this post. Guys (and I'm sure girls) often wonder if this type of woman even exists. The woman that is actually turned on by a one-night stand, that craves sex as much or more than men, and is almost insatiable. Her drive is admirable, but in "real life" would this woman be intimidating or threatening?

I've been a part of discussions about women and casual sex. Can it be done or do they get too emotionally involved? Sometimes the "friends with benefits" story is a myth, sometimes it works, but most often, one of the parties ends up getting emotionally attached - and this applies to girls and guys. How do you keep both people happy, satisfied and on the same page?

For the people that don't believe that casual sexual relationships exist, they do. For the ones that are in or have had casual sexual relationships, I'd love to hear your stories and perceptions. It takes a strong female who is comfortable with who she is to know what she wants and to go for it. For some people, these casual relationships are built off the fact that one or both people are afraid to "commit", afraid of getting too close, not wanting to settle, and/or wanting someone that can fufill a particular need without the emotional "messiness" that could potentially come with a relationship. Of course I haven't listed all the reasons, because there could be many.

If a casual sexual relationship does exist, is it healthy? I think if two people have that "need', and are consenting, and both understand that it is nothing more - this is a relationship that could work. Basically - you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I don't think that a casual sexual relationship is something that has a chance at being long-term, but if both are ok with right now, then who's to judge?

Guys are worried that girls will get emotionally attached - and this does happen sometimes, don't get me wrong. But I have a couple of girl friends that don't want a serious committed relationship. They aren't looking to settle down, and are happy just going where life takes them. Is that the path that I am on? No, but I believe that women, can just as easily as men have a casual, no-strings attached sexual relationship. It's rare to find a woman that is comfortable enough and strong enough to know what she wants and is open about sex - but that woman is out there. Maybe not as flamboyant as Samantha, or as sexually aggressive or outspoken, but there are women that are similar to her. Guys may think that would be their dream to have a sexually aggressive woman, but I honestly think that they would be intimidated by her if confronted in real life.

There isn't enough wall space in New York City to hang all of my exes. Let me tell you, a lot of them were hung.   Samantha Jones

Getting Married

If you're in your mid to late 20's, or even in your early 30's, you may have noticed people around you getting married. If you're single, this can cause anxiety of sorts - even if you were hell-bent on not getting hitched any time soon (more stress if you're single!). I have a few friends getting married within the next year, a few that are newly married, and a few that are in "talks" of getting married. And while I've never been married or engaged, I have a couple of friends that have had broken engagements. This leads me to wonder, why are people getting married?

Some of the reasons that I can think of are:

• Coming of age (or they feel that they're "at that age" - whatever age that is supposed to be)
• Because everyone else is (I thought we stopped doing what everyone else is doing in high school?)
• Afraid of being alone
• Wanting to settle (down)
• Wanting to have children
• They've been together for "long" enough/enough time
• Convenience
• Actually in love and wanting to spend the rest of their life with the person they love

I'm sure you can think of a few people that you know that you wonder why they're getting married, or why they are even married. There are probably also a couple that you wonder why they haven't done it sooner! I think what some people forget is that a marriage is just like any other relationship. . . just because you get married, doesn't mean that "happily ever after" is just going to happen. It takes a lot of work and effort for it to be sustainable. It will have it's ups and downs, and you will have good days and bad days. (remember the vows, "for better OR worse?")  Like I have mentioned in another post, I feel like people forget what it takes to make a marriage work, and focus a lot of their effort and attention into their wedding.

The older I get, the less I believe in soulmates - I used to believe that we had one. . . but then, how do you explain the people that are able to live their lives with other people? For example, someone that loses their partner to death, but can find love again. For me, a soulmate is someone that I have a connection with. This does not have to be a romantic connection - hence, I have a couple of friends that I have this soulmate connection with. It's a special connection. . . a bond, that neither time or space can break.

Back to why people get married. . . if divorce rates are still around 50%, then wouldn't you want to get married on more substantial reasons than the fact that everyone else is getting married? Unless of course, you don't mind getting divorced. But if that's the case, what's the point of even getting married?

Eventually when I do get married, I hope to have more solid reasons than feeling like I need to because all my friends are getting married or because I'm at a certain age. I would hope that my marriage is built on a solid foundation of friendship, and that a marriage would open the doors to spending the rest of my life getting to know someone and sharing my life (and love) with him. Don't get me wrong, I do get the pang that I'm getting "old", and I have the anxiety because I feel like I'm getting left out of the marriage bandwagon that so many of my friends are jumping on. But I do remind myself that some things are meant to be enjoyed, and that roses are here for me to smell along the way (figuratively speaking).

If you feel like you're the only one not married - or even in a relationship, you are not alone. Sometimes I feel like people not "attached" have it better - you can learn about yourself and grow as an individual. Being single, you can learn more about what you don't want, which, I believe is just as important as knowing what you DO want. Whether or not you do or don't want to get married, learning about yourself is part of life and finding out how to live and be happy. Only once you learn to love yourself and how to be happy by yourself is when you're able to share that with someone else.