Good Date vs. Bad Date

Good date, you're asking when the other person has to wake up tomorrow because you want to spend more time together.
Bad date, you're telling the other person you need to go home (now) 'cause you need to be up early.

 ~ Comparison from a dear friend. . .

  Had a conversation the other day with a couple of friends about dating and relationships. The consensus is clear - people in LA are pretty warped (that's my definition, no blame to my friends). Our area takes longer to find the "right one", settle down, get married, have children, etc. The average age for a female to get married is 25 and the average age for a male is 27 (source: http://www.soundvision.com/info/weddings/statistics.asp) - if that's the case. . . I don't think I know many people in that age catagory (or YOUNGER) getting married. Granted, if you get married after 25, your rate of divorce goes down by half. . . but STILL. 

HOW do people in their younger 20's think that they're ready to spend the rest of their life with someone?

 In this world that there are so many people, so many temptations, so many outside influences on a person's relationship. . . how does a relationship stand a chance? Which leads back to a good date vs. a bad date. . . it's all about chemistry and the little things. Chemistry is something that almost magnetically attracts us to someone. The little things make us even more attracted. From opening the door, minding manners, compliments, and thoughtful little gestures - those can ultimately make (or break!) things in the beginning. 

 Chemistry can give us butterflies, and make us excited (or anxious?) to see the person we're going on a date with. But if they chemistry isn't there, we may not care as much or put as much effort as we would with someone that we do have chemistry with. So why do people insist on dating and going on dates with people they obviously have no chemistry with? Because chemistry, as it mysterious and wonderful, is often rare and elusive. 

The little things. For me, taking initiative, being interested, asking the right questions, being modest (humble), being considerate of me and others around us (true colors show how you treat the server or anyone else we may come in contact with), opening the door, not being distracted (by your phone or another cute girl walking by), etc. 

What it boils down to is not only outward attraction, but personality, connection and chemistry. A beautiful person can be made ugly by a bad attitude, and an unattractive person can be made gorgeous by a glowing kind personality. So maybe the nice guy (or girl) may finish last - but they'll be the one laughing if they're the one lucky to be in a awesome relationship.

Long Distance

I was suggested to talk about long distance relationships. . . since I've never had one, and the person that suggested this topic to me said that theirs didn't work out. . . I started thinking about what makes a relationships work, and what ultimately makes it fizzle out. I know I just did a blog about how to make it work (blah, blah, blah), but why, at a certain stage (AGE?!) does everyone think that it's the time to get hitched, have a baby (or two or three)??

 You see people all the time getting together and moving in asap (hello, Bachelorette Ali and Roberto. . . and any other celeb relationship). It almost seems that it's the "norm" for people to meet, and quickly get together. I feel it's pressured upon people to get married - even if it isn't the "right" person. Since I've luckily (at least I keep telling myself this) never been married or engaged, I haven't had to question whether or not I've "settled" for the right person or not. 

 A lot of my friends are married or engaged, and a lot of people who I grew up with are married and have started their families. . . which really makes me wonder, did they "get lucky" and find the right person, or did they bend to pressures and just get hitched because, at the time, it felt the "right thing to do"? Some people I know, it feels like they are with their soulmate. However,  with other relationships, I think certain situations brought and keep them together.


 Random thought: sometimes I think that a relationships lasts based on a person's (or people, since there are two in a relationship) tolerance level.

 Anyway, back to long distance relationships (you knew that was coming): to do or not to do? (comment, please) I don't know about you, but if I haven't seen my significant other in a couple of days, when we do get back into face-to-face time, I always feel a little awkward. It isn't a bad thing, but I can't imagine not seeing someone for months on end. Plus, let's be honest. . . but what about fidelity, temptations and all that?

 My longest distance was 36 minutes, on a good day. Granted, I was in a whole different stage/mentality/thought process back then, and looking back that isn't that far (hello, I'm from LA and everything is 45-60 min away). On the other hand, that distance made me question the balance of our relationship, what I really wanted, and who he really was. What I'm trying to say is, distance helps you put everything into perspective and makes you question yourself about your intentions and commitment to the relationship. When you're with someone 24/7, you don't have the time or space to be able to process if that relationship is something you want, or if it's "where it should be" (wherever that is). You may be able to see the "bigger picture", appreciate the time you spend together (maybe. . . hopefully??), and get a better perspective of where you want your relationship to go.

As a devil's advocate: maybe a long distance relationship makes you put less effort into your relationship. Ultimately, the question the relationships comes up with is: break up or move in together. Doesn't that possibly leave one person feeling like they're lacking?

Successful woman doctor meets handsome and captivating businessman while flying across the country. The flight is long, they have a lot to talk about, they hit it off, they exchange numbers, and bam! They're in a relationship. However, she lives in LA, and he lives. . . well, to protect identity, in a different state (MIDDLE AMERICA!). We'll call her Sheila* and we'll call him Steve*.

Things go well, and several months later, they're talking the future, children, marriage, and the whole nine yards. Since Sheila is a doctor, she's quite busy, but Steve has business in LA a lot, so they actually get to see each other quite often. Soon, he decides that he should relocate to LA since there are so many pros to moving (Sheila, current and potential business, etc.). Before Sheila bought her current townhome, she used to live in a charming apartment complex and suggests to Steve that he try to get an apartment there. Since things had been going so well, it's unusual that they decide that this arrangement is going to work.

Steve moves to LA, and a couple months later, Sheila gets an unusual upsetting phone call. If you haven't guessed already, Steve was married, three children, multiple properties, and not nearly as successful or debt-free as he had lead Sheila to believe.

That wasn't the makings of a Hollywood movie, it's a true story - and I have heard different variations of the same. And for those wondering what happened, Sheila broke up w/Steve and changed all her locks, and got back most of her stuff that she'd left at Steve's apartment. Luckily for her, she didn't literally move in with the guy!

So, as with all things in life, long distance relationships may or may not work. There isn't a perfect formuation when it comes to relationships, even long distance ones.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Minutes

Flipping through blogs, I realize there are tons about kids, crafting, music playlists (WTH?!), and just every day life from "simple people" that self-proclaim greatness - don't we all want to be great? I have a kid, but you don't see me posting pics all over the internet of her. . . I just feel weird letting the strange guy who writes about his coworkers and the girl who publically (hello! the internet is public property) announces all sorts of personal ish into my private life. Don't get me wrong, I like being the voyeur in other people's lives - sometimes I can vicariously live through their vividly captured moments (some of you have excellent photographic skills or great word talent!), and this is sort of my modern people watching past time - but with better stories.

So funny how people want to connect to other humans with similarities, but we all just want to STAND OUT and be our own celebrated celeb.

Anyway, after my last post, as it was so seriously pointed out to me, "It isn't hilarious. Your blog is supposed to be hilarious." I'm wracking my brain for a funny story that won't upset or offend anyone. . . much.

So without further ado. . .

 How To Lose a Guy Girl In 10 Days. . . er, Minutes. . . or less! 

For a lot of guys, they know how to win a girl over, but choose not to. But then there are those special guys (and that's not a good thing) that just know how to not get a second date . . . but not with the overly obnoxious things you may assume like being an asshole, hitting on your best friend, dumb/cheesy pick up lines, or public humiliation (of himself or the one he's trying to attract). They are excessively clingy, overly emotional, or just plain don't understand dating etiquette.
 
I have this friend, Amy*, and she was casually (and by casually, let's assume, no sex, first couple weeks/months, gettingtoknowtheguyphase) dating this guy, we'll call him Billy*. They'd been on a couple of dates, and they got along pretty well. They went to coffee one night, and he did all the great small things all (most) girls like - open the door, paid for her drink, complimented her, etc. They were chit chatting about what each other had been doing, and then Billy looks at Amy and asks her, "Will you have my babies?" - deadpan. Of course Amy giggles. . . and then realizes by Billy's expression that he's serious.

Some girls want to have children, others do not. Amy wasn't in a position in life. . . or even the relationship (if you could even call it that) to consider children - even with Billy. Talk about scaring someone off! Too much too soon is really just simply too much. Needless to say, Amy stopped going on dates with Billy.

 I met this other guy, Owen* at a party one night, and we hit it off chatting about whatever it is people talk about when they first meet. Anyway, my friend Mia* found him completely attractive, and a few weeks later asked me if I thought it was ok for her to go on a date. Normally I'm weird about dating someone's seconds, or visa versa, but I never dated the guy, and didn't see him "like that". So Mia and Owen went on a couple of dates. A couple weeks went by, and I checked in with Mia to see how things were going. Mia and Owen went out a couple of times, and Owen would explicitly ask Mia to buy him things - and not just pay for the meal, go dutch or anything like that. . . he would straight out ask her to buy him whatever impluse item(s) were near the cash register if they were out.

 I completely believe in equality, and that a girl should at least offer to pay for things. BUT, I also believe in chilvary, and that a guy should man up and pay for all most things in the beginning. Aside from all that, no one should ask you to buy them things - unless they're your kids, and that's a whole different story.

I think it's great when a guy can show his emotions - hello. In sports they cry ALL the time, and guys don't seem to think that's any less "manly". HOWEVER, when a guy is crying more than the girl? Ummm. . . it's damn near pathetic. No. Seriously.

 I have a friend, Jackie*, and she felt it was time to break up with her boyfriend, Diego*. She had contemplated it, and didn't see a future with him in it. She rationally thought out the reasons, and finally sat down with Diego to explain how she was feeling. After she explained to him her thoughts about the relationship, and how her heart just wasn't in it, the dude starts to cry and protest how he can't live without her in his life. The catcher? They'd only been together a couple of months. I think it's nice to feel wanted, but sometimes too much can be stifling.

To recap;

1. Don't talk about the future (i.e. children, house, marriage, long-term, in-laws, etc.) too soon. . . use common sense. Oh wow. I just googled "how long should I wait to get married' - and there are literal to-do lists! But simply, you should be financially, emotionally and physically ready. . . and you should know the other person - so if you're still just getting to know someone, then it probably isn't the right time to whip out the pictures you just photoshopped to see what your future babies will look like.
2. Don't ask a girl (or anyone, for that matter) to buy you things. It's just damn rude behavior and you should be adult enough to purchase things that you need yourself (and if you want it, maybe you need to reconsider - there is a difference between want and need).
3. Don't be overly emotional. Crying at a funeral or because you're overwhelmed at some great life event (ex: your own wedding, your child being born, graduating, buying a first house, etc.) is one thing, but bawling all the time is not only inapporpriate, it's damn uncomfortable for other people around you (such as myself). 
4. Don't assume. . . I am a huge believer in communication. Good communication takes work and practice, but it can be achieved!

And if you need more "advice" material, rent the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it has more detail.  If you still can't figure it out after that, I don't know what to tell you.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

Making It Work

You know all those cute quirks that were adorable during the honeymoon phase?. . . and how, shoot a few months down the road, or a couple of years, and those "quirks" that were just so gosh darn cute are just SO DAMN IRRITATING??. . . I've dated a few people, and with my experiences, my friends', people I've talked to and dated. . . "long-term", just doesn't mean long-term as traditionally speaking. What I'm saying is, people say "long-term", and they mean it, but it means for a longer period than, oh, a handful of months. . . with divorce rates at 40-50% (http://www.divorcerate.org/) -  that's for FIRST marriages in America, and dating relationships lasting less than 5 years, it's any wonder people even get into so-called "long-term" relationships in the first place.

We all know what can make a relationship NOT work: arguing, nagging, jealousy, chemistry, trust, respect, etc. . . but what about the fairytale, happy ending where they live Happily Ever After? After all, some of it must have SOME truth in it, right? I don't know about you, but I've known a few couples that have made it to 50+ years, so while it's rare, it DOES happen. 

Some of the obvious factors that make a relationship work are, attraction, chemistry (hello, when you first meet - and you need to be attracted to someone to stay with them, on some level). . . communication, trust, common connections. . . but a relationship isn't like a math equation, x plus x equals a healthy or not healthy relationship. There are so many damn variables, and what works for one couple, may not work for another. 

 When I searched for "what makes a relationship work", the top article was literally, How to Make a Relationship Work - How ironic. In it, it listed fifteen "steps" - with my comments in green:

1. Decide to love Duh. I think you not only need to "decide" to love, you need to commit and dedicate yourself to it as well. 
2. Communicate about anything and everything - I'm not sure anything and everything can be open discussion, but you really need to be communicating with your partner to make a relationship last. If you're not talking, or they're not talking to you. . . you really have to question why and who you're talking to - doesn't this lead to potential cheating? (see previous blog)
3. Establish trust on all levels - I think we already know that there needs to be trust in a relationship to make it work and to keep it going. . . if you don't trust someone, what kind of relationship do you have?
4. Support each other - In every great relationship (romantic or not), each person is the others ' cheerleader. You should want the best for the other person, even if you don't fully understand it.
5. Be completely honest with each other - Doesn't this go with telling the other person everything? I believe in honesty, but I also believe in finding ways to tell the other person something with love and compassion. . . obviously, in a perfect world, you will never have that "Does this make me look fat?" scenario, but in real life, you will be able to possibly suggest another option. . . "Honey, I think you looked great in. . . ." (ahhh. . . saved by offering something else without having to tell him/her that whatever they're wearing is unflattering - or straight out ugly).
6. Spend time together - I am a big believer in QUALITY vs quantity. If I can't spend time with someone I care about a lot. . . I want to make sure the time I do spend with them is well spent.
7. Spend time apart - I guess "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" is good in this case. Actually, if you have time apart, it gives you things to talk about when you do get back together. Just too much time apart can make you strangers, bring in possible resentment, and could potentially pull two people away from each other.
8. Settle disputes peacefully (apologize, forgive and makeup) - Sometimes  apologizing first can work miracles. . . it can start the end of an argument, and clear the way to start communicating again. Listening and good communication are great to use instead of trying to force your side of an argument.
9. Keep most things private - I think a lot of celebrities are on to something when they value their private lives (aka family and relationships). I hesitate putting things close to my heart out in the open (via facebook or twitter) because I don't want people "all up in my business". Plus, who wants to read about the last fight you had, just to see you holding hands later that day?
10. Make continual efforts to maintain your relationship - I just read an article in a women's magazine (probably Cosmo), that said to do bi-annual or annual checkups on your relationship. . . sort of like a review in the workplace. Asking your significant other what you can do to improve the relationship, what he/she thinks is working, if they have any requests for the bedroom, etc.
11. Be romantic - Romance doesn't have to mean red roses, candlelit dinner, and a walk on the beach. . . special, thoughtout moments are something to be cherished and remembered too. I'm a sucker for things that have been thought out - the little things are always the things that matter the most and ones that I cherish the most.
12. Remember that every person, couple, and relationship is different - I just had this conversation. . . no matter how happy a couple may appear, they may be having their own different issues. What makes one relationship work, may not work for your relationship. One of the best things I have been told was, "treat each relationship like it's your first". . . it's hard to do since I'm pretty jaded, but I shouldn't blame past guys' mistakes on the current situation.
13. Show affection - shouldn't we be affectionate to the person we like/love??
14. Remember  that intensity of emotion can ebb and flow over the years - This is important, and I think a lot of people forget that the tingly feelings won't always be there, but they may come and go. I think if more people truly committed to being in a relationship and sticking it out, then more relationships would last. That's not to say that you're going to agree with everything, and everything is going to be blissful, because I believe that every strong relationship has disagreements (that's what makes you YOU, and keeps your individuality).
15. See family as one, not two - Anyone remember a song about two hearts beating as one? Well, people should keep their individuality, but they should view a relationship as a team.

 Now, these "steps" are fine and dandy and all, but when it comes to a real relationship, do these thing really work? (feel free to comment) 

I think that with any relationship (romantic or not), people need to have some level of commitment towards the relationship - as far as feeling balanced, keeping things fair, and  contribution-wise. I also believe that if a relationship feels unbalanced, and one person feels like they're contributing more than the other person, that the answer isn't always just to give up. Granted, most of the time people don't change, and they are not going to. You can't force someone to do something that they just don't want to. But if you really believe in your relationship, maybe there are a few things that you can find in yourself to change. Magically, if you start to change, somehow the other person can change to (strange how that works). 

Relationships take work, but ideally, I would like my prince and princess, movie fairytale ending. . . house, white picket fence, couple of kids, and a marriage that lasts til "death does us part". 

Dating. . . now what?

So you've just started dating someone, and you think you like them. . . so now what? What date, or month do you decide to have an exclusivity talk? What if they're your number one, but you're still seeing other people - and you'd like to keep it that way? Maybe they're your only one, and you want them to know that and you want them to commit to you, but you don't know how.

When is it appropriate to talk about finances, marriage, kids, and the long-term without completely freaking the other person out?

In an ideal situation, you'd be able to talk to the other person without making them feel like they're "stuck" or "trapped", and they would understand you, and you would understand them. In a perfect world, you both would be on the same page, and neither one would be too nervous, and the words would come out right. However, we live in a world where miscommunication is an everyday occurrence, and feelings are bound to get hurt - one way or the other.

As a weird example, I have these friends, Sandy* and Sean* - they were dating for years, but when he went to propose to her, she actually thought he was going to break up with her! Funny story, but she said yes. . . and well, they're happily (as far as I can see) married and have a house, kids and the whole she-bang. But what made her think that he wanted to break up with her? And what made her ultimately even say "yes". . . personally, if I think someone doesn't want to be with me, why would I want to stay with them? Fortunately for Sandy, Sean wanted to be with her, but obviously they weren't on the same page.

I can only go based off my own experiences. . . for me, my first bf wanted to be with me, and eventually, we naturally took that path to being in a long-term committed relationship - albeit, looking back, it was fairly a short-term relationship. (Ah, young "love") My second bf was a whirlwind fast-paced relationship - and while we were "in love", we were young, and so naively positive about our future together. My third bf wanted to be in a relationship with me more so than I with him - and so we were - but an unmatched relationship always leads to an ultimate end. The common thread to these relationships is that they guy always initiated it, and I went along with the idea of a long-term relationship.

Guys always talk about how they want a girl to initiate things - and maybe it's not with all guys, but there have been a couple where I've asked to be exclusive, and I have been turned down. Maybe people (guys) want their freedom, and don't want to be "tied" down? Obviously I don't make all the right choices, but if I feel something has potential, why not? Of course, with these guys, once I've been turned down - it never fails, I soon become "over it", and move on, and that's when they realize that they want something. Why are we always on the chase?

So that brings me back to honesty. Why is it, in LA, that we are so full of games? So into the chase, the mystery, and our space? Why can't we let people in, share trust, be honest, and have meaningful relationships? Why are we waiting till we are almost "too old" to "settle down" and start a long-term relationship? I don't consider it settling. If I find someone I really enjoy doing things with (like life!). . . how great is it if you can find someone that you can really enjoy things with? It's awesome! So why do we call it settling?? The other person should inspire you, motivate you, challenge you, encourage you, and ultimately want you to be a better YOU.

 Are we that jaded by our pasts that we can't trust anyone? Since when did we have these huge cement walls around our hearts that almost no one can get through? Why don't we want to be with just one person? And why can't one person be enough. . . be our all? 

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and guilty