Love @ First Sight!!/?

Most people would agree that the initial attraction is something physical - the smile, the way her eyes light up when she laughs, his curly mop of hair, the hourglass curve of her body, the way his jeans fit on his butt. . . you get the idea picture. Then attaction progresses with the little things: he opens the door, she has manners, he makes her laugh all the time, she makes him feel special. . .

But what about love at first sight??

I think those odds are like getting hit by lightening, eaten by a shark or winning the lottery - it doesn't happen very often, and could quite possibly end in tragedy. How often do you hear about someone falling in love at first sight and then having a happily ever after? The movies don't count. I guess the stereotype that goes with love at first sight is that you will have a happily ever after, but every relationship takes work. 

But what about those people like Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian that met and married within three months? And now they've officially been married for a year. . . what are their chances for lasting? And what about Dave and Michelle from The Buried Life? They met and a day later got married in Vegas - granted, they've been together for 4 months (now), but according to Michelle, "they've decided to make it a go."

Even if I felt like I was "in love", I wouldn't get married within the first year. I believe getting married prematurely doesn't set up the relationship up for working and lasting. I believe that there are several issues topics that need to be discussed before even thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone. I also believe that if you have strong beliefs about things, that you shouldn't ignore them or break your standards because you feel you're "in love". For example, if you want children, and your significant other does not (or visa versa) - that could be a larger problem in the future.

I suppose some people feel that doing a relationship on the go is what works for them, but I wonder how well it works? 

 Follow me on Twitter! @ayamihiroshige

The Interview

So my friend - we'll call her Jane*, had a couple first dates the other week, and we started talking about how dating and interviewing for a job are quite similar. She inquired, is it better to know that you're "overqualified" for whatever position the guy is looking for, or "too perfect" because his exepectations are low? Both just come down to the fact that you "didn't get the job" - even if you weren't even looking for a job anyway. Whatever happened to the plain ol' "It's not you, it's me. . . can we still be friends?" cop-out?

I haven't had much experience in the way of first dates, but I have had a few job interviews. I think I've had a couple job prospects that either I turned them down, or they turned me down - but in the end, basically I just didn't get hired. Since I have a lot of experience and I am a workaholic, the answer that comes most frequent is - "You're overqualified.". . . um. Ok. Thanks?

In the dating world, what are we looking for? Most people I know aren't on a mad mission to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. . . they're more along the ride of dating, and looking for Mr. or Miss. Right NOW. I've never thought of my dating life as looking for a future husband - that's too much pressure! However, after dating for a few months, I would assume that you would know if you liked that person well enough to continue to stay in each other's lives.

As I near my "Dirty Flirty 30's", marriage (and more children!) are on the back of my mind, but have been pushed, ever so slightly behind my "To Do" list of things that I want to get done before I tie the knot. I have some friends that are happily married, some that won't admit that they aren't happy, those that wish they were married, some that are about to be married, and the ones that want nothing to do with marriage. But the peers that are still in the dating scene and the ones that aren't quite married yet - I don't think any of them feel the urgent "need" to get married asap (like, tomorrow).

I don't understand how some people feel the pressure when they first meet someone to either jump into a relationship with them, or write them off because the other person "is overqualified" or "too perfect". What happened to the days of just. . . dating?? According to a study that I read, it takes about 18 months to really know a person. And I believe it will take a lifetime to really know that person. . . even though you may never really know everything about them. Why is there that pressure to instantly know whether or not I will be talking to you for the rest of my life? Can't we slow down and just. . . get to know one another?

In the end, you may not have gotten the job you didn't even realize you were applying for. But it's better than being overqualified and bored, or too perfect and being up on a pedestal with the other person waiting for you to make a mistake. This leaves you open for the possibilities that lay ahead - like more dates! And meeting new people.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

She's Just Not That Into You

(and she may be seeing someone else. . .)

You know about the book, you've seen the move (with Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Justin Long), and you may have even caught the reference in Sex and the City. He's Just Not That Into You. It's hard for us women to accept the fact that someone doesn't like us. We're constantly comforting our girlfriends that he'll call, that he's busy, or that she's too good for him. In reality, he just doesn't care, doesn't want to be bothered, and just plain isn't into you.

 Guys are simple, and well, girls can be complicated. However, as twisted as females are, we really are quite simple. I have a couple of girlfriends that could rival guys with dating. (Ever heard the phrase, "Date like a guy so you don't get played like a bitch?") Girls (this is a general statement here) like to have fun too. We can sleep around and not get our emotions tied up, and sometimes we just want to have someone we can call to go grab a drink. We need that opposite sex interaction!

Some guys just don't get it. There are girls out there that want to spare a guy's feelings too. So! She's just not that into you if:

• she's hard to get ahold of, and/or ignores your calls, texts, emails, Facebook comments/messages, tweets, etc. In this day and age, with all the social media there is out there, if our phone dies, it's not like we don't have our friend's phones. . . or the internet (hello, Facebook and Twitter!). And this applies to girls AND guys. . . if someone is really interested, they will make time to contact you - no matter HOW busy they are. And if they can't, they'll apologize and have a legitimate reason. If they really care, then they'll prewarn you before they go MIA for a bit.
   
• when you talk on the phone, she always seems busy and when you see her in person, she seems distracted and preoccupied. It's ok for someone to be distracted/stressed/thinking about something else some of the time. But if it's habitual, it's rude, and it probably means she's not digging you.  
   
• she doesn't introduce you to anyone, and she doesn't let you meet her friends. If a girl like you, she wants to "show you off" (in a manner of speaking), and get praise and approval from her friends. When you're together, and she runs into someone she knows, and doesn't introduce you, it could be several things - 1. She doesn't remember that person's name, 2. She doesn't want to bother introducing you to them . . . ok, it could be either one of those two things - and if it's the former, when we walk away, I typically give the rundown on who that person was, and a short story. If it's the latter, then we walk away, and I wouldn't say two words about the other person.
   
• she doesn't talk about the future, and is hesitant to make plans . . . even a week from now. A girl could be commitment-phobic, or should could just not like you. Or maybe, she is trying to be mysterious. . . but come on! Do you want a girl that's going to play games like that? Anyway, I had a guy who asked me if I wanted to go to a concert. . . three months down the road. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to make a commitment to him three months from that date - I just wasn't that into him.
   
• she doesn't look at you when you two are talking - or is looking elsewhere (another guy, perhaps?) Guys check out girls. Girls check out guys - guys may not notice it, but hey! We notice a fine piece of. . . well, we appreciate beauty too. But if a girl is never making eye contact with you, this could be an issue.
   
• she tells you she isn't looking for a boyfriend right now. Uh. I don't know about you, but what person is looking for someone and is going to actually verbalize it early on ("Hey, I'm looking for a boyfriend. . . " - I'd be scared if someone told me they were looking for a significant other - too much too soon!). If someone tells you they aren't ready to be in a relationship (and I've heard this, unfortunately), they ARE NOT READY, and THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. That said, move on!
  
• she talks about other guys to you. You may be her confidant, but you certainly are not her lover. If she's talking about what so-and-so wore, and how would you interpret his text. . . she see's you as a friend, and that is all. It may be exciting that she's giving you a lot of attention, but do not confuse attention with thinking the girl has the hots for you. Unlike guys, girls don't keep around guy friends anticipating the day that they'll sleep with them. We have guy friends for different reasons - sometimes we just need a sounding board to hear what's inside guys brains (we just don't understand simplicity!).

This is not an all-inclusive list, but merely a starting point for the clueless - I guess I should have put this disclaimer in the beginning of this post.

Basically, if a girl is not into you - she may not verbalize it, and she may never say anything. Actions definitely speak louder than words - or at least actions can help clue you into what a girl is thinking. She may even justify things to herself, and may not be completely aware that she's not totally into you - women have been bred to be polite and not to hurt people's feelings (at least, MOST females are like that). So if a girl's actions are telling you she's not interested, you may want to start paying attention. 

Next post: The Dating Interview. . . title being worked on.

Trusting

"I need you to find love. . . you know, be open to it. . . so I can believe in it too." ~ from my bestie

Cristina and Meredith

I had this conversation with my bestie, for those who don't know who she is, we'll call her Cristina* (as in, Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy - NOT that she is Asian or anal or bossy or as aggressive like Cristina, but, well, you'll get it if you keep reading). So for those of you who DON'T watch Grey's, I'll try to break it down for you to make sense. On the show, there are two best friends, Meredith and Cristina. Meredith has finally found love with Derek - it took her a long time for her to realize that he was The One, but now that she has, she isn't letting go. Cristina, however, was previously engaged to Burke - didn't marry him, but is now is married to Owen. . . Oddly enough though, she is fairly jaded, and isn't one to let people get close to her. Long story short - Meredith and Cristina are soulmates - as I feel me and my bestie are.

Cristina (my bestie) knows me for me. I tell her everything, and there is no judging between us. She knows any "dark" secrets, she and I have laughed like no other, and she knows what has hurt me the most. While my intention is NOT to put anyone on blast, I will say that I have been wounded like no other. I have my close friends, but it is hard for me to let people into my inner circle. I may be outgoing, but not everyone knows my life story, or the story that makes me who I am today. With that said, I am quite jaded when it comes to dating and relationships.

Unfortunately, I do tend to keep a wall up - scared that my past may repeat itself. I find myself debating "fight or flight" often - even if there is no instance to warant that reasoning. Things are black and white for me. I am all or nothing. The grey area tends to freak me out. Even though I try not to, the scarring still remains, and I find myself flinching (literally and figuratively) from experiences that I would rather bury in my past.

I feel that there comes a point in all relationships. . . you either go all in, or you walk away.  You must either take that leap of faith, give that other person your heart, and TRUST that they will love you and accept you in return. . . or put up a resistance and ultimately lose. It's like gambling and going all in - if you lose, you walk away a loser, but if you win? If you win. . . you get to reap large rewards. Most of us have experienced the pain of loss - remember your first love? No matter who did the "breaking up", both are losers, and both feel the loss of the other. Some of us have had loves, and some of us have had great loves (à la Charlotte from Sex and the City's analogy). . . and get to spend the rest of our lives with the great love of our life. And most of us have loved and been burned. Have you given your heart, soul and trust to someone only to get it ripped to shreds?

We may fight. We may argue, disagree and at times not get along. But we laugh, enjoy each others' company, make each other happy and find ourselves smiling despite ourselves. We have to consciously make that decision to trust the other person wholly even if that means we may be crushed in return. Without giving our full hearts, we may never experience the joys and thrills of what it means to love. Is opening up to someone such a sacrifice that the reward could potentially mean everlasting love and happiness?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

Good Date vs. Bad Date

Good date, you're asking when the other person has to wake up tomorrow because you want to spend more time together.
Bad date, you're telling the other person you need to go home (now) 'cause you need to be up early.

 ~ Comparison from a dear friend. . .

  Had a conversation the other day with a couple of friends about dating and relationships. The consensus is clear - people in LA are pretty warped (that's my definition, no blame to my friends). Our area takes longer to find the "right one", settle down, get married, have children, etc. The average age for a female to get married is 25 and the average age for a male is 27 (source: http://www.soundvision.com/info/weddings/statistics.asp) - if that's the case. . . I don't think I know many people in that age catagory (or YOUNGER) getting married. Granted, if you get married after 25, your rate of divorce goes down by half. . . but STILL. 

HOW do people in their younger 20's think that they're ready to spend the rest of their life with someone?

 In this world that there are so many people, so many temptations, so many outside influences on a person's relationship. . . how does a relationship stand a chance? Which leads back to a good date vs. a bad date. . . it's all about chemistry and the little things. Chemistry is something that almost magnetically attracts us to someone. The little things make us even more attracted. From opening the door, minding manners, compliments, and thoughtful little gestures - those can ultimately make (or break!) things in the beginning. 

 Chemistry can give us butterflies, and make us excited (or anxious?) to see the person we're going on a date with. But if they chemistry isn't there, we may not care as much or put as much effort as we would with someone that we do have chemistry with. So why do people insist on dating and going on dates with people they obviously have no chemistry with? Because chemistry, as it mysterious and wonderful, is often rare and elusive. 

The little things. For me, taking initiative, being interested, asking the right questions, being modest (humble), being considerate of me and others around us (true colors show how you treat the server or anyone else we may come in contact with), opening the door, not being distracted (by your phone or another cute girl walking by), etc. 

What it boils down to is not only outward attraction, but personality, connection and chemistry. A beautiful person can be made ugly by a bad attitude, and an unattractive person can be made gorgeous by a glowing kind personality. So maybe the nice guy (or girl) may finish last - but they'll be the one laughing if they're the one lucky to be in a awesome relationship.

Long Distance

I was suggested to talk about long distance relationships. . . since I've never had one, and the person that suggested this topic to me said that theirs didn't work out. . . I started thinking about what makes a relationships work, and what ultimately makes it fizzle out. I know I just did a blog about how to make it work (blah, blah, blah), but why, at a certain stage (AGE?!) does everyone think that it's the time to get hitched, have a baby (or two or three)??

 You see people all the time getting together and moving in asap (hello, Bachelorette Ali and Roberto. . . and any other celeb relationship). It almost seems that it's the "norm" for people to meet, and quickly get together. I feel it's pressured upon people to get married - even if it isn't the "right" person. Since I've luckily (at least I keep telling myself this) never been married or engaged, I haven't had to question whether or not I've "settled" for the right person or not. 

 A lot of my friends are married or engaged, and a lot of people who I grew up with are married and have started their families. . . which really makes me wonder, did they "get lucky" and find the right person, or did they bend to pressures and just get hitched because, at the time, it felt the "right thing to do"? Some people I know, it feels like they are with their soulmate. However,  with other relationships, I think certain situations brought and keep them together.


 Random thought: sometimes I think that a relationships lasts based on a person's (or people, since there are two in a relationship) tolerance level.

 Anyway, back to long distance relationships (you knew that was coming): to do or not to do? (comment, please) I don't know about you, but if I haven't seen my significant other in a couple of days, when we do get back into face-to-face time, I always feel a little awkward. It isn't a bad thing, but I can't imagine not seeing someone for months on end. Plus, let's be honest. . . but what about fidelity, temptations and all that?

 My longest distance was 36 minutes, on a good day. Granted, I was in a whole different stage/mentality/thought process back then, and looking back that isn't that far (hello, I'm from LA and everything is 45-60 min away). On the other hand, that distance made me question the balance of our relationship, what I really wanted, and who he really was. What I'm trying to say is, distance helps you put everything into perspective and makes you question yourself about your intentions and commitment to the relationship. When you're with someone 24/7, you don't have the time or space to be able to process if that relationship is something you want, or if it's "where it should be" (wherever that is). You may be able to see the "bigger picture", appreciate the time you spend together (maybe. . . hopefully??), and get a better perspective of where you want your relationship to go.

As a devil's advocate: maybe a long distance relationship makes you put less effort into your relationship. Ultimately, the question the relationships comes up with is: break up or move in together. Doesn't that possibly leave one person feeling like they're lacking?

Successful woman doctor meets handsome and captivating businessman while flying across the country. The flight is long, they have a lot to talk about, they hit it off, they exchange numbers, and bam! They're in a relationship. However, she lives in LA, and he lives. . . well, to protect identity, in a different state (MIDDLE AMERICA!). We'll call her Sheila* and we'll call him Steve*.

Things go well, and several months later, they're talking the future, children, marriage, and the whole nine yards. Since Sheila is a doctor, she's quite busy, but Steve has business in LA a lot, so they actually get to see each other quite often. Soon, he decides that he should relocate to LA since there are so many pros to moving (Sheila, current and potential business, etc.). Before Sheila bought her current townhome, she used to live in a charming apartment complex and suggests to Steve that he try to get an apartment there. Since things had been going so well, it's unusual that they decide that this arrangement is going to work.

Steve moves to LA, and a couple months later, Sheila gets an unusual upsetting phone call. If you haven't guessed already, Steve was married, three children, multiple properties, and not nearly as successful or debt-free as he had lead Sheila to believe.

That wasn't the makings of a Hollywood movie, it's a true story - and I have heard different variations of the same. And for those wondering what happened, Sheila broke up w/Steve and changed all her locks, and got back most of her stuff that she'd left at Steve's apartment. Luckily for her, she didn't literally move in with the guy!

So, as with all things in life, long distance relationships may or may not work. There isn't a perfect formuation when it comes to relationships, even long distance ones.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and guilty

How To Lose A Girl In 10 Minutes

Flipping through blogs, I realize there are tons about kids, crafting, music playlists (WTH?!), and just every day life from "simple people" that self-proclaim greatness - don't we all want to be great? I have a kid, but you don't see me posting pics all over the internet of her. . . I just feel weird letting the strange guy who writes about his coworkers and the girl who publically (hello! the internet is public property) announces all sorts of personal ish into my private life. Don't get me wrong, I like being the voyeur in other people's lives - sometimes I can vicariously live through their vividly captured moments (some of you have excellent photographic skills or great word talent!), and this is sort of my modern people watching past time - but with better stories.

So funny how people want to connect to other humans with similarities, but we all just want to STAND OUT and be our own celebrated celeb.

Anyway, after my last post, as it was so seriously pointed out to me, "It isn't hilarious. Your blog is supposed to be hilarious." I'm wracking my brain for a funny story that won't upset or offend anyone. . . much.

So without further ado. . .

 How To Lose a Guy Girl In 10 Days. . . er, Minutes. . . or less! 

For a lot of guys, they know how to win a girl over, but choose not to. But then there are those special guys (and that's not a good thing) that just know how to not get a second date . . . but not with the overly obnoxious things you may assume like being an asshole, hitting on your best friend, dumb/cheesy pick up lines, or public humiliation (of himself or the one he's trying to attract). They are excessively clingy, overly emotional, or just plain don't understand dating etiquette.
 
I have this friend, Amy*, and she was casually (and by casually, let's assume, no sex, first couple weeks/months, gettingtoknowtheguyphase) dating this guy, we'll call him Billy*. They'd been on a couple of dates, and they got along pretty well. They went to coffee one night, and he did all the great small things all (most) girls like - open the door, paid for her drink, complimented her, etc. They were chit chatting about what each other had been doing, and then Billy looks at Amy and asks her, "Will you have my babies?" - deadpan. Of course Amy giggles. . . and then realizes by Billy's expression that he's serious.

Some girls want to have children, others do not. Amy wasn't in a position in life. . . or even the relationship (if you could even call it that) to consider children - even with Billy. Talk about scaring someone off! Too much too soon is really just simply too much. Needless to say, Amy stopped going on dates with Billy.

 I met this other guy, Owen* at a party one night, and we hit it off chatting about whatever it is people talk about when they first meet. Anyway, my friend Mia* found him completely attractive, and a few weeks later asked me if I thought it was ok for her to go on a date. Normally I'm weird about dating someone's seconds, or visa versa, but I never dated the guy, and didn't see him "like that". So Mia and Owen went on a couple of dates. A couple weeks went by, and I checked in with Mia to see how things were going. Mia and Owen went out a couple of times, and Owen would explicitly ask Mia to buy him things - and not just pay for the meal, go dutch or anything like that. . . he would straight out ask her to buy him whatever impluse item(s) were near the cash register if they were out.

 I completely believe in equality, and that a girl should at least offer to pay for things. BUT, I also believe in chilvary, and that a guy should man up and pay for all most things in the beginning. Aside from all that, no one should ask you to buy them things - unless they're your kids, and that's a whole different story.

I think it's great when a guy can show his emotions - hello. In sports they cry ALL the time, and guys don't seem to think that's any less "manly". HOWEVER, when a guy is crying more than the girl? Ummm. . . it's damn near pathetic. No. Seriously.

 I have a friend, Jackie*, and she felt it was time to break up with her boyfriend, Diego*. She had contemplated it, and didn't see a future with him in it. She rationally thought out the reasons, and finally sat down with Diego to explain how she was feeling. After she explained to him her thoughts about the relationship, and how her heart just wasn't in it, the dude starts to cry and protest how he can't live without her in his life. The catcher? They'd only been together a couple of months. I think it's nice to feel wanted, but sometimes too much can be stifling.

To recap;

1. Don't talk about the future (i.e. children, house, marriage, long-term, in-laws, etc.) too soon. . . use common sense. Oh wow. I just googled "how long should I wait to get married' - and there are literal to-do lists! But simply, you should be financially, emotionally and physically ready. . . and you should know the other person - so if you're still just getting to know someone, then it probably isn't the right time to whip out the pictures you just photoshopped to see what your future babies will look like.
2. Don't ask a girl (or anyone, for that matter) to buy you things. It's just damn rude behavior and you should be adult enough to purchase things that you need yourself (and if you want it, maybe you need to reconsider - there is a difference between want and need).
3. Don't be overly emotional. Crying at a funeral or because you're overwhelmed at some great life event (ex: your own wedding, your child being born, graduating, buying a first house, etc.) is one thing, but bawling all the time is not only inapporpriate, it's damn uncomfortable for other people around you (such as myself). 
4. Don't assume. . . I am a huge believer in communication. Good communication takes work and practice, but it can be achieved!

And if you need more "advice" material, rent the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it has more detail.  If you still can't figure it out after that, I don't know what to tell you.

*Names changed to protect the innocent and the guilty