Jealous? Really?

If a girl wears a low cut top, or a short skirt (or God forbid, both), and her boyfriend or significant other doesn't say anything - he (or she, hey, I'm not discriminating here), is insensitive or doesn't care. If he (or she) does say something, they are insecure and/or jealous. It's almost a lose/lose situation. . . But what about the female in the relationship? Is it ok to flaunt it? Or should they have more respect for their significant other and "cover up"? Maybe they should have more respect for themselves. If a girl looks good, and knows it, why is she so appalled when a guy approaches her?

So this brings me to the hot topic of jealousy. When is too much essentially, too much? I think it's healthy to have a little bit of jealousy - it keeps us from gaining too much weight, keeps us in check, and makes us put enough effort into our relationships to keep that spark going. But if it's obsessive jealousy where the other person starts to stalk their partner, and needs to know where they're at 24/7, then that's something that needs to be put back into check. With jealousy, there needs to be a certain level of respect and trust. Trust that you know your significant other won't be doing something that would potentially hurt you, and respect from both parties that you won't act on impulse and have that level of respect for your relationship. There can be a spark of jealousy if someone checks out your partner - but over-the-top jealousy is when you act out (physically or verbally) on that spark. I think it's healthy to get a twinge, but that doesn't mean I need to verbally or physically assault the person checking out my significant other or my significant other (hey, he didn't even do anything!). However, if I see physical contact, I may have to interject a few choice words.

If your significant other is trying to make you jealous, on the other hand, then maybe it is time to let go. Who wants someone that is, for lack of a better phrase, mind fucking you? If you're old enough to have a relationship, you're old enough to be treated fairly and with the respect and trust that you deserve. If you're f'ing around, then maybe you deserve the games, but does anyone really deserve game playing? Wouldn't you rather be in a relationship where you're secure enough in yourself and your partner that you don't have to worry about them or yourself being jealous? I hate to be on either side - I would rather be happy (duh, wouldn't we all?). I want to be confidant in the fact that the person I am with wants me for me, and may look at other girls, but knows that I'm a keeper. I also want the person I am with to have enough trust in me to know that I am not going to sabotage my relationship for a whim, or a fancy. There is no reason to get jealous with me or of me.

Which brings me back to what girls wear. I find that if I like someone enough, I will have the respect to wear something that is "appropriate" for wherever I am going. If that's with my significant other, it may be a little more risque because I am dressing up for him. If it's with just my girls, I may dress up, but downplay it (I'm not looking for attention). I believe that girls dress more for other girls than they do for guys. Sure, they dress up for guys, but more often than not, I see outfits that girls are wearing that basically confuse a guy. For example, jumpsuits and rompers. I think they're super cute, fun, flirty and great for the summer. . . Most guys? Just don't get it. Yet, the romper rage continues. (Thank goodness)

As for the girls who dress like strippers and hoes? Maybe they don't have fashion sense. Maybe they need the extra attention. Now, I was never the girl that wore a bikini top to a club - actually, I never started going to the clubs until I was in my mid 20's. . . but anyway, I wouldn't have been caught dead with a bikini top, or crop top then, and sure as hell won't now - unless I'm at the beach or pool where it's appropriate. However, time and time again, I see girls who I think need a fashion makeover (ever read Glamour magazine's Don'ts? Or watch What Not to Wear?) - part of me wants to snap a quick pic with my handy iPhone and send it into magazines or post it on facebook as an example of what not to wear. I don't claim to be the most stylish, I don't claim to be the best dressed, or have the most fashion sense. . . but you would think something would click with someone that stripper clothing should be used for just that. However, most of those girls that dress like that (*disclaimer* I'm generalizing here), are appalled when a guy comes up to talk to them. And if they bring a significant other, they wonder why their guy is a little uptight. It isn't that the guy isn't proud to show off his lady, but it goes without saying - less is definitely more. What happened to leaving things to the imagination and having some mystery??

But before this goes too far into the fashion territory, let me bring us back to the main topic and conjure up an example. . .

There are several songs out there that sing about tumultuous love, and how somehow, fighting equates passion. Some of them I like, some of them I agree with. However, in reality, I don't want to be fighting with my lover. I really am a lover, not a fighter. Even though I am not going to have chemistry with every single guy out there, I know that there are a lot of guys at my disposal (for lack of saying something with more tact). . . However, once I choose someone, I will give it my all, and once I am done, I am done. Typically, I see a future with someone before they catch on, and usually when they do, the moment is over and I have moved on. Why do guys always wait till it's too late? Anyway, I have had my share of fights - and while passion may have been involved, I am much more content getting along with my significant other. I am blissfully happy doing things with someone, and looking to the future then worried about what he's doing, or who he's doing it with.

Which leads me to Jane* and John*. They have been married for about a couple of years. . . Jane confided in me that she suspected her husband of cheating - He's Just Not Into You, the book and movie played flashbacks in my head - we are programmed to give our girl friends (or friends) the positive spin on things - "it isn't you, it has to be him". . . They have multiple issues with their relationship, but a couple of them is cheating and jealousy. When they first met, it was instant attraction. However, since she's had a baby, her body isn't what it once was, and unfortunately, John is like most men, and is unhappy about how she looks, the situation he is in, etc. And he voices his unhappiness. When Jane told me what she saw and what she thought she knew, I had to point blank ask her what she really felt and thought. I think more people need to be honest with themselves - don't we deserve at least that? If that wasn't enough, one night when a group of us were out at a club, she caught him with another girl. . . and a side story to that is that a few people from our group saw him not just with one other girl, but with a couple (or few) other girls. I'm not condoning cheating, but to do it in front of your so-called significant other AND in front of friends?! I feel that John has overstepped his boundaries, and is causing Jane to be jealous (and hurt, angry, confused, among other things). I think that Jane has the right to be jealous - this is supposedly someone she cares about. But does Jane deserve to be in this type of relationship? On the other hand, I believe that Jane needs to have more self-worth and respect for HERSELF and get rid of the loser. If not for herself, but for her family and her baby who John is blatantly disrespecting. However, my opinion is just my opinion, so she can take it or leave it.

Sadly, Jane and I are no longer friends. I wrote another blog and discussed how people will let significant others batter and bruise them - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet if we get slapped by a friend, we are quickly willing to let our friendship fade away. It's crazy how someone may have a long-term friendship, but will let it go for a guy or girl (romantic relationship). How many friends do you know that come and go as their significant others go in and out of their lives? Are we so desperate to stay in a relationship that makes us unhappy?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty

Infidelity, What's the Point?

A hot topic this weekend was: Cheating.

Let me just preface this blog by first stating that when I discuss things, I like to play devil's advocate and try to understand all aspects - even if just for argument's sake.

We probably all have been cheated on or cheated with someone at one point or another. That's a broad statement, but like the six degrees of separation, I believe that either you're a cheater, have been cheated on, or someone has cheated on someone else with you - whether or not you knew. I think the whole "cheating" discussion has a lot of grey area when living in LA, as I've stated in an earlier blog, dating isn't easy, and things aren't always clear. You may be sleeping with someone, and you may think you're only sleeping with them, but they may be sleeping with half of the county, and you may not know (or maybe you do and you don't care). But sleeping with someone, and having a relationship are two completely different things (maybe a topic for another blog).

So say you're seeing someone - you talk to them pretty consistently (as in daily, or every other day - not once a month, or only ever after 10/11pm. . . aka BOOTY CALL), and you're fairly certain that you're both only seeing each other - if the other person has sex with someone else that you're unaware of - is that cheating? I guess it would be if you have a fair understanding that you're "exclusive". Is it worse if you're boyfriend and girlfriend?

Another question that I can't seem to wrap my head around is: Why do people insist on staying in a "relationship" if they want to see other people? I feel like they're basically lying to themselves, to their 'significant other' - for whatever that term is worth, and even potentially to the person they're cheating with. My conclusion is this. . .

People cheat because they're looking for something that they feel is missing in their current relationship. If you place yourself into a situation, or situations that potentially set you up to cheat, you're already walking down that road. I feel like there are many times that people can stop the progression of actually cheating - it's like weight gain. It doesn't happen overnight. You don't just one day wake up and say, "Ok! This is the day I am going to cheat on my significant other and have sex with a complete stranger." I mean, I guess it could happen, but I highly doubt it. And while I don't condone cheating, I do believe that sometimes it is both parties in a relationship that can affect an outcome. For example (and I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but let's just think about this), if one party in the relationship doesn't want to try any more - or more specifically, has shown with their actions that they don't care about the relationship, but doesn't want to completely end it - does it give the other person the right to go and talk to someone else? It happens more often than not, right? You talk to friends, you talk to a coworker, you talk to someone you meet. . . you start to open up, and before you know it, you've been able to talk about things that you haven't been able to say for awhile, and it feels good. Is that cheating?

I believe that cheating encompasses not only the physical acts. . . and let me put them on the table for some of you that want to generalize - I want to be specific; sex (in any form - we don't need to get graphic), kissing, romantically hugging, etc. . . but also in emotional and mental as well. I think emotional cheating is something that happens the most - and is the most damaging. It means that our significant other connected with someone other than ourselves, and shared things with someone else that they didn't want to, couldn't or wouldn't share with us. How does it happen? Easy. You have a coworker - you may or may not be physically attracted to them, but that doesn't matter. . . it starts off innocently, maybe, "How was your weekend?", but as you work day after day together, you find out more about their lives, what their interests are, what their relationships are like. . . and you share things with that person that you may not with anyone else - it's like getting a third party perspective. . . and before you know it, you feel safe with them. Maybe they have a boyfriend or a girlfriend, so going to lunch together is okay since you both are in relationships - it feels "safe". All of a sudden, you realize you're sharing a lot with that person, you get along so well. . . I suppose there is a point where everyone realizes where this could potentially end up, and only keep it as a platonic relationship, or give up on their current relationship and play with fire sotospeak. However, I think people emotionally cheat without knowing they're doing so. It comes naturally to want to share things with someone else, and before you know it, you've damaged your current relationship, and you've sparked a new one. What then? Do you try to rekindle your old relationship? Do you start a new one? Will you be completely honest about what happened to both parties?

True Story

I'm sure this happens all too often, you know someone, and they have a significant other, and they live together - but he or she is cheating with someone else. Maybe the other party knows, maybe they don't, but I still am curious as to wonder why they stay together? Maybe they're married, and they don't want to get a divorce, or maybe they're so codependent on each other that they don't think they can "do it alone". . . whatever the excuse is, does that make cheating ok? What if they're both cheating on each other? Some relationships work that way, I supposed.

I have several stories of guys continuously cheating on their girls (as I'm sure there are a fair number of girls cheating on their guys). . . There's this guy, we'll call him John* and his girlfriend, we'll call her Samantha*. They've been together so long, that it's natural for their friends to see them almost as one unit. Quite often though, John is seen with other girls - for his sake, I don't know exactly what goes on with him and these other girls, but let's just say what isn't stated, can only be imagined. Samantha may know that he is cheating on her, but she's broken up with him so many times, only to get back together with him. Which, I think has conditioned John to not really believe those breakups, and hasn't affected his behavior.

I believe that in certain situations, cheating and everything that goes along with it is a circular cycle. Maybe she nags too much, maybe she doesn't fulfill something, or maybe he's lacking something. . . so he turns to someone else, someone that listens to his woes, or gives him an extra sexual excitement. . . if she suspects, or finds out, she's even naggy-er, or whatever the case, they break up, but he feels guilty, he begs her back, showers her with gifts and promises never to stray again. . . they feel like they did when they were first together, the honeymoon stage, and things are "perfect", if not for awhile. . . and then it happens again. He comes home late from work, or something else ticks her off, and it snowballs, he finds someone else, and you know the rest. . .

So I guess my question is, if you're so unhappy, why stay? If it obviously hasn't worked out the past several times, what makes you think that getting back together is going to work out this time? Even if you have children, or you're married, or you've been together for a long time. . . I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and treated with respect, honor and with love. If you don't trust someone at all, if you're always wondering where they're at, what they're doing, who they're with, etc., it makes you go crazy. Do you deserve to make yourself go crazy? It is hard to imagine that there is someone out there that may make you happier. You CAN start over. You can build new memories and share special moments with someone else. I believe, that if someone is ok with treating you like shit, then they don't deserve one minute of your time. You cannot make someone else change, and you cannot "babysit" someone else either - you'll make them go crazy along with yourself.

And if you are the cheater. . . if your significant other doesn't already know, you really need to question why you're cheating. What your significant other means to you, and how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Should you tell your significant other? That's something you need to determine for yourself. If he or she really doesn't know that you're cheating, will telling them hurt them more? Sometimes ignorance IS bliss. What if you know that a friend is cheating, or a friend's significant other is cheating. . . do you tell? What do you say? Who believes who? That's a sticky situation in itself as well.

So my last thoughts are. . . if you're not happy in a relationship, you should ask yourself why. What can you do to fix it? If you're not trying, no one else is either. I believe a damaged relationship can be repaired. . . I believe in second and third chances. I can only speak for myself, and only I know the reasons for things that I do and have done. I believe in trust, respect and honor. I also believe that sometimes breaking up is the only answer left, even if divorce was never in your vocabulary. Each relationship is different, and some need more work than others. If you have been cheated on, you realize that you have to put the past behind you and focus on the future. If you're the cheater, you have to rectify your ways and start changing how you do things, and be more aware of your actions. If you're the other woman or man, no matter what is told to you about the their significant other - doesn't make what you're doing any more right. Yes, you may not connect to everyone out there, but realistically, there are other options. Why stay if you're completely unhappy?

*Names changed to protected the innocent and the guilty