Polygamy... Open Relationship?

With TLC's new show, Sister Wives, I got to thinking about polygamous relationships. If you're not familiar with the show, there's this guy, Kody, and he has four "wives",  Meri, Janelle, Christine, and Robyn. Meri is the 1st wife, and she has been married to Kody for 20 years. Janelle and Kody have been married 17 years, and Christine and Kody have been married 16 years - Robyn is the newest wife, and she and Kody recently got married. I've only watched a couple episodes of Sister Wives, but I find the whole idea of polygamy interesting.

Does an open relationship really work? Can it work? It baffles me that someone would be willing (and ok) to "share" their partner with another person - physically, emotionally and mentally. I understand the dynamic of having a larger family (and support system) - but I would imagine that it would be emotionally tolling to know that my husband/partner was also being intimate (physically and emotionally) with someone else. It's hard to wrap my mind around the concept of polygamy because I have only known a two-person relationship.

For me, polygamy is very much like having an open committed relationship - but very one-sided. With Sister Wives, Kody gets to have four different women - but those women only have one man. Granted, the wives depend on each other for emotional support, but what about that emotional connection you have when you have one partner? I feel like being in a polygamous relationship, that a woman possibly doesn't feel like she deserves to be her partner's only spouse.

 I know what it's like to be cheated on, and that feeling isn't one that makes me feel desired, happy or significant. I want to know my partner is only with me - and we connect on a completely different level - emotionally, physically, chemically, etc. than anyone else does - or ever will. Once someone has cheated on you, they've broken that bond that you've shared and had (not to mention trust). In a polygamous relationship, there are so many different dynamics to make it work and stick. I don't know if I could handle my husband not coming to bed with me every night - and I don't think that makes me insecure.

Is polygamy wrong? I know that it is wrong for me, and legally you aren't allowed to marry more than one person at a time - but who's to judge that it's wrong? If it suits the people involved, does it make it ok? What about the children born into a polygamous relationship? One of the Sister Wives episodes I was watching, one of the pre-teen/teenage daughters of the family said that when she "grew up", she did not want to choose the life of polygamy. I find that interesting that she has grown up in a household that supports and chose that lifestyle, but already knows that's not something that will work for her. So conditioning isn't always a factor in producing polygamous relationships.

 Something else that I find interesting is, being and staying emotionally connected to more than one person. A relationship takes a lot of time and energy - physically, emotionally and mentally. Trying to upkeep close emotional relationships with multiple people must wear a person out! Not to mention all the children, extended family and friends involved. And what about find about yourself, and growing personally? When do you get a chance to have alone time? I think people need time to theirselves, time to get away and relax and regroup.

 It doesn't seem like someone could be completely open and honest if they are in a polygamous relationship - male or female. I could imagine that it would be hard to share intimate information with multiple people, or keep several secrets, or to share the same story over and over - can you imagine? Forgetting to tell someone something, or telling the same story too many times because you forgot if you told someone something - or who you told. Who do the wives complain to if they have a gripe about their husband? Or another wife? What it comes down to is, a monogamous relationship takes a lot of work, a polygamous relationship must be that much more work.

Twitter: @ayamihiroshige
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Casual Sex

If you've ever watched Sex and the City (SATC), or had/have a girlfriend that is obsessed over the series or movie, you know that Carrie is the girl's girl. She has an amazing closet, and a to-die for wardrobe. Miranda is the obsessive work-aholic. Charlotte is the traditional blue-blood who is hopeless/hopeful romantic. And Samantha. . oh, Samantha. She is the woman who sleeps around - but is admired for her ballsiness in business and in life. She is the go-getter.

Let's talk about Samantha in this post. Guys (and I'm sure girls) often wonder if this type of woman even exists. The woman that is actually turned on by a one-night stand, that craves sex as much or more than men, and is almost insatiable. Her drive is admirable, but in "real life" would this woman be intimidating or threatening?

I've been a part of discussions about women and casual sex. Can it be done or do they get too emotionally involved? Sometimes the "friends with benefits" story is a myth, sometimes it works, but most often, one of the parties ends up getting emotionally attached - and this applies to girls and guys. How do you keep both people happy, satisfied and on the same page?

For the people that don't believe that casual sexual relationships exist, they do. For the ones that are in or have had casual sexual relationships, I'd love to hear your stories and perceptions. It takes a strong female who is comfortable with who she is to know what she wants and to go for it. For some people, these casual relationships are built off the fact that one or both people are afraid to "commit", afraid of getting too close, not wanting to settle, and/or wanting someone that can fufill a particular need without the emotional "messiness" that could potentially come with a relationship. Of course I haven't listed all the reasons, because there could be many.

If a casual sexual relationship does exist, is it healthy? I think if two people have that "need', and are consenting, and both understand that it is nothing more - this is a relationship that could work. Basically - you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I don't think that a casual sexual relationship is something that has a chance at being long-term, but if both are ok with right now, then who's to judge?

Guys are worried that girls will get emotionally attached - and this does happen sometimes, don't get me wrong. But I have a couple of girl friends that don't want a serious committed relationship. They aren't looking to settle down, and are happy just going where life takes them. Is that the path that I am on? No, but I believe that women, can just as easily as men have a casual, no-strings attached sexual relationship. It's rare to find a woman that is comfortable enough and strong enough to know what she wants and is open about sex - but that woman is out there. Maybe not as flamboyant as Samantha, or as sexually aggressive or outspoken, but there are women that are similar to her. Guys may think that would be their dream to have a sexually aggressive woman, but I honestly think that they would be intimidated by her if confronted in real life.

There isn't enough wall space in New York City to hang all of my exes. Let me tell you, a lot of them were hung.   Samantha Jones

Getting Married

If you're in your mid to late 20's, or even in your early 30's, you may have noticed people around you getting married. If you're single, this can cause anxiety of sorts - even if you were hell-bent on not getting hitched any time soon (more stress if you're single!). I have a few friends getting married within the next year, a few that are newly married, and a few that are in "talks" of getting married. And while I've never been married or engaged, I have a couple of friends that have had broken engagements. This leads me to wonder, why are people getting married?

Some of the reasons that I can think of are:

• Coming of age (or they feel that they're "at that age" - whatever age that is supposed to be)
• Because everyone else is (I thought we stopped doing what everyone else is doing in high school?)
• Afraid of being alone
• Wanting to settle (down)
• Wanting to have children
• They've been together for "long" enough/enough time
• Convenience
• Actually in love and wanting to spend the rest of their life with the person they love

I'm sure you can think of a few people that you know that you wonder why they're getting married, or why they are even married. There are probably also a couple that you wonder why they haven't done it sooner! I think what some people forget is that a marriage is just like any other relationship. . . just because you get married, doesn't mean that "happily ever after" is just going to happen. It takes a lot of work and effort for it to be sustainable. It will have it's ups and downs, and you will have good days and bad days. (remember the vows, "for better OR worse?")  Like I have mentioned in another post, I feel like people forget what it takes to make a marriage work, and focus a lot of their effort and attention into their wedding.

The older I get, the less I believe in soulmates - I used to believe that we had one. . . but then, how do you explain the people that are able to live their lives with other people? For example, someone that loses their partner to death, but can find love again. For me, a soulmate is someone that I have a connection with. This does not have to be a romantic connection - hence, I have a couple of friends that I have this soulmate connection with. It's a special connection. . . a bond, that neither time or space can break.

Back to why people get married. . . if divorce rates are still around 50%, then wouldn't you want to get married on more substantial reasons than the fact that everyone else is getting married? Unless of course, you don't mind getting divorced. But if that's the case, what's the point of even getting married?

Eventually when I do get married, I hope to have more solid reasons than feeling like I need to because all my friends are getting married or because I'm at a certain age. I would hope that my marriage is built on a solid foundation of friendship, and that a marriage would open the doors to spending the rest of my life getting to know someone and sharing my life (and love) with him. Don't get me wrong, I do get the pang that I'm getting "old", and I have the anxiety because I feel like I'm getting left out of the marriage bandwagon that so many of my friends are jumping on. But I do remind myself that some things are meant to be enjoyed, and that roses are here for me to smell along the way (figuratively speaking).

If you feel like you're the only one not married - or even in a relationship, you are not alone. Sometimes I feel like people not "attached" have it better - you can learn about yourself and grow as an individual. Being single, you can learn more about what you don't want, which, I believe is just as important as knowing what you DO want. Whether or not you do or don't want to get married, learning about yourself is part of life and finding out how to live and be happy. Only once you learn to love yourself and how to be happy by yourself is when you're able to share that with someone else.

Love @ First Sight!!/?

Most people would agree that the initial attraction is something physical - the smile, the way her eyes light up when she laughs, his curly mop of hair, the hourglass curve of her body, the way his jeans fit on his butt. . . you get the idea picture. Then attaction progresses with the little things: he opens the door, she has manners, he makes her laugh all the time, she makes him feel special. . .

But what about love at first sight??

I think those odds are like getting hit by lightening, eaten by a shark or winning the lottery - it doesn't happen very often, and could quite possibly end in tragedy. How often do you hear about someone falling in love at first sight and then having a happily ever after? The movies don't count. I guess the stereotype that goes with love at first sight is that you will have a happily ever after, but every relationship takes work. 

But what about those people like Lamar Odom and Khloe Kardashian that met and married within three months? And now they've officially been married for a year. . . what are their chances for lasting? And what about Dave and Michelle from The Buried Life? They met and a day later got married in Vegas - granted, they've been together for 4 months (now), but according to Michelle, "they've decided to make it a go."

Even if I felt like I was "in love", I wouldn't get married within the first year. I believe getting married prematurely doesn't set up the relationship up for working and lasting. I believe that there are several issues topics that need to be discussed before even thinking about spending the rest of your life with someone. I also believe that if you have strong beliefs about things, that you shouldn't ignore them or break your standards because you feel you're "in love". For example, if you want children, and your significant other does not (or visa versa) - that could be a larger problem in the future.

I suppose some people feel that doing a relationship on the go is what works for them, but I wonder how well it works? 

 Follow me on Twitter! @ayamihiroshige

The Interview

So my friend - we'll call her Jane*, had a couple first dates the other week, and we started talking about how dating and interviewing for a job are quite similar. She inquired, is it better to know that you're "overqualified" for whatever position the guy is looking for, or "too perfect" because his exepectations are low? Both just come down to the fact that you "didn't get the job" - even if you weren't even looking for a job anyway. Whatever happened to the plain ol' "It's not you, it's me. . . can we still be friends?" cop-out?

I haven't had much experience in the way of first dates, but I have had a few job interviews. I think I've had a couple job prospects that either I turned them down, or they turned me down - but in the end, basically I just didn't get hired. Since I have a lot of experience and I am a workaholic, the answer that comes most frequent is - "You're overqualified.". . . um. Ok. Thanks?

In the dating world, what are we looking for? Most people I know aren't on a mad mission to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. . . they're more along the ride of dating, and looking for Mr. or Miss. Right NOW. I've never thought of my dating life as looking for a future husband - that's too much pressure! However, after dating for a few months, I would assume that you would know if you liked that person well enough to continue to stay in each other's lives.

As I near my "Dirty Flirty 30's", marriage (and more children!) are on the back of my mind, but have been pushed, ever so slightly behind my "To Do" list of things that I want to get done before I tie the knot. I have some friends that are happily married, some that won't admit that they aren't happy, those that wish they were married, some that are about to be married, and the ones that want nothing to do with marriage. But the peers that are still in the dating scene and the ones that aren't quite married yet - I don't think any of them feel the urgent "need" to get married asap (like, tomorrow).

I don't understand how some people feel the pressure when they first meet someone to either jump into a relationship with them, or write them off because the other person "is overqualified" or "too perfect". What happened to the days of just. . . dating?? According to a study that I read, it takes about 18 months to really know a person. And I believe it will take a lifetime to really know that person. . . even though you may never really know everything about them. Why is there that pressure to instantly know whether or not I will be talking to you for the rest of my life? Can't we slow down and just. . . get to know one another?

In the end, you may not have gotten the job you didn't even realize you were applying for. But it's better than being overqualified and bored, or too perfect and being up on a pedestal with the other person waiting for you to make a mistake. This leaves you open for the possibilities that lay ahead - like more dates! And meeting new people.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty.

She's Just Not That Into You

(and she may be seeing someone else. . .)

You know about the book, you've seen the move (with Drew Barrymore, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Justin Long), and you may have even caught the reference in Sex and the City. He's Just Not That Into You. It's hard for us women to accept the fact that someone doesn't like us. We're constantly comforting our girlfriends that he'll call, that he's busy, or that she's too good for him. In reality, he just doesn't care, doesn't want to be bothered, and just plain isn't into you.

 Guys are simple, and well, girls can be complicated. However, as twisted as females are, we really are quite simple. I have a couple of girlfriends that could rival guys with dating. (Ever heard the phrase, "Date like a guy so you don't get played like a bitch?") Girls (this is a general statement here) like to have fun too. We can sleep around and not get our emotions tied up, and sometimes we just want to have someone we can call to go grab a drink. We need that opposite sex interaction!

Some guys just don't get it. There are girls out there that want to spare a guy's feelings too. So! She's just not that into you if:

• she's hard to get ahold of, and/or ignores your calls, texts, emails, Facebook comments/messages, tweets, etc. In this day and age, with all the social media there is out there, if our phone dies, it's not like we don't have our friend's phones. . . or the internet (hello, Facebook and Twitter!). And this applies to girls AND guys. . . if someone is really interested, they will make time to contact you - no matter HOW busy they are. And if they can't, they'll apologize and have a legitimate reason. If they really care, then they'll prewarn you before they go MIA for a bit.
   
• when you talk on the phone, she always seems busy and when you see her in person, she seems distracted and preoccupied. It's ok for someone to be distracted/stressed/thinking about something else some of the time. But if it's habitual, it's rude, and it probably means she's not digging you.  
   
• she doesn't introduce you to anyone, and she doesn't let you meet her friends. If a girl like you, she wants to "show you off" (in a manner of speaking), and get praise and approval from her friends. When you're together, and she runs into someone she knows, and doesn't introduce you, it could be several things - 1. She doesn't remember that person's name, 2. She doesn't want to bother introducing you to them . . . ok, it could be either one of those two things - and if it's the former, when we walk away, I typically give the rundown on who that person was, and a short story. If it's the latter, then we walk away, and I wouldn't say two words about the other person.
   
• she doesn't talk about the future, and is hesitant to make plans . . . even a week from now. A girl could be commitment-phobic, or should could just not like you. Or maybe, she is trying to be mysterious. . . but come on! Do you want a girl that's going to play games like that? Anyway, I had a guy who asked me if I wanted to go to a concert. . . three months down the road. It wasn't that I didn't want to go, but I didn't want to make a commitment to him three months from that date - I just wasn't that into him.
   
• she doesn't look at you when you two are talking - or is looking elsewhere (another guy, perhaps?) Guys check out girls. Girls check out guys - guys may not notice it, but hey! We notice a fine piece of. . . well, we appreciate beauty too. But if a girl is never making eye contact with you, this could be an issue.
   
• she tells you she isn't looking for a boyfriend right now. Uh. I don't know about you, but what person is looking for someone and is going to actually verbalize it early on ("Hey, I'm looking for a boyfriend. . . " - I'd be scared if someone told me they were looking for a significant other - too much too soon!). If someone tells you they aren't ready to be in a relationship (and I've heard this, unfortunately), they ARE NOT READY, and THEY DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU. That said, move on!
  
• she talks about other guys to you. You may be her confidant, but you certainly are not her lover. If she's talking about what so-and-so wore, and how would you interpret his text. . . she see's you as a friend, and that is all. It may be exciting that she's giving you a lot of attention, but do not confuse attention with thinking the girl has the hots for you. Unlike guys, girls don't keep around guy friends anticipating the day that they'll sleep with them. We have guy friends for different reasons - sometimes we just need a sounding board to hear what's inside guys brains (we just don't understand simplicity!).

This is not an all-inclusive list, but merely a starting point for the clueless - I guess I should have put this disclaimer in the beginning of this post.

Basically, if a girl is not into you - she may not verbalize it, and she may never say anything. Actions definitely speak louder than words - or at least actions can help clue you into what a girl is thinking. She may even justify things to herself, and may not be completely aware that she's not totally into you - women have been bred to be polite and not to hurt people's feelings (at least, MOST females are like that). So if a girl's actions are telling you she's not interested, you may want to start paying attention. 

Next post: The Dating Interview. . . title being worked on.

Trusting

"I need you to find love. . . you know, be open to it. . . so I can believe in it too." ~ from my bestie

Cristina and Meredith

I had this conversation with my bestie, for those who don't know who she is, we'll call her Cristina* (as in, Cristina Yang from Grey's Anatomy - NOT that she is Asian or anal or bossy or as aggressive like Cristina, but, well, you'll get it if you keep reading). So for those of you who DON'T watch Grey's, I'll try to break it down for you to make sense. On the show, there are two best friends, Meredith and Cristina. Meredith has finally found love with Derek - it took her a long time for her to realize that he was The One, but now that she has, she isn't letting go. Cristina, however, was previously engaged to Burke - didn't marry him, but is now is married to Owen. . . Oddly enough though, she is fairly jaded, and isn't one to let people get close to her. Long story short - Meredith and Cristina are soulmates - as I feel me and my bestie are.

Cristina (my bestie) knows me for me. I tell her everything, and there is no judging between us. She knows any "dark" secrets, she and I have laughed like no other, and she knows what has hurt me the most. While my intention is NOT to put anyone on blast, I will say that I have been wounded like no other. I have my close friends, but it is hard for me to let people into my inner circle. I may be outgoing, but not everyone knows my life story, or the story that makes me who I am today. With that said, I am quite jaded when it comes to dating and relationships.

Unfortunately, I do tend to keep a wall up - scared that my past may repeat itself. I find myself debating "fight or flight" often - even if there is no instance to warant that reasoning. Things are black and white for me. I am all or nothing. The grey area tends to freak me out. Even though I try not to, the scarring still remains, and I find myself flinching (literally and figuratively) from experiences that I would rather bury in my past.

I feel that there comes a point in all relationships. . . you either go all in, or you walk away.  You must either take that leap of faith, give that other person your heart, and TRUST that they will love you and accept you in return. . . or put up a resistance and ultimately lose. It's like gambling and going all in - if you lose, you walk away a loser, but if you win? If you win. . . you get to reap large rewards. Most of us have experienced the pain of loss - remember your first love? No matter who did the "breaking up", both are losers, and both feel the loss of the other. Some of us have had loves, and some of us have had great loves (à la Charlotte from Sex and the City's analogy). . . and get to spend the rest of our lives with the great love of our life. And most of us have loved and been burned. Have you given your heart, soul and trust to someone only to get it ripped to shreds?

We may fight. We may argue, disagree and at times not get along. But we laugh, enjoy each others' company, make each other happy and find ourselves smiling despite ourselves. We have to consciously make that decision to trust the other person wholly even if that means we may be crushed in return. Without giving our full hearts, we may never experience the joys and thrills of what it means to love. Is opening up to someone such a sacrifice that the reward could potentially mean everlasting love and happiness?

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent and the guilty